No one cares about a firm handshake anymore. Now a slice of ham in your palm…that’s confidence.
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I’m woman enough to admit when you’re wrong
Good cop: Ok relax. We are just gonna ask you a few questions
Fashion police: Who are you wearing, you piece of shit?
Flight attendant: You’re sitting in an exit row. Are you ready willing and able to assist in case of an emergency
Me, half an ambien and 2 bloody marys deep: Yeah
*puts stethoscope up to chest*
Dr: I dont hear..U don’t have a heart Karen
“Did my ex Kyle put u up to this?”
*Im in the bushes giggling*
Today I gave my son some chips from England. He put one in his mouth, made a face, and asked what flavour it was. ‘Roast Beef’ I replied. He promptly spat it out and asked “why would they do that?” Buddy, we’ve been asking Britain that question for 500 years.
If I ever become a super hero, my origin story will involve a sourdough starter mishap.
“This isn’t my first rodeo.” He said, confidently. “Now help me get on this pointy cow.”
court: counsel why are you yelling your questions from back there?
me: i’ve got my phone plugged in back here your honor.
This selfie angle isn’t to make me look thin, it’s so you can check me for lice
Find a man who pays attention to what you say as much as Google ads does
Boss: Did you get my email?
Me: Yes. It had italics, all-caps, and highlighting and I had no idea how to prioritize that information.
me: mind if I have a look around
guy in port-a-potty: yes
Just said “finger bang” instead of “finger guns” and this is why I shouldn’t ever be allowed to speak in public.
“If people work from home, how will I socialize?” You will have to go into the forest, bribe an old witch & have her summon new friends for you like the rest of us have to
My 5 year old said he’s not going to say a word until the bread pops up from the toaster so I unplugged it.
My mother had a cure for slouching. I still flinch when there’s movement in my periphery, but I’ve got posture like a Marine.
“That’s herpes”
-my response anytime someone asks me to look at their rash.
*at Starbucks*
7yo: can I order for you?
Me: sure!
7yo: my mom wants the drink with the salt on the rim. She has it allll the time!
Turns out Leaf Blower Guy, my neighbour of 10 years, knows my actual name so I guess I’m left with no choice but to do the adult thing here and find out his by stealing his mail.
How to pick up chicks:
1) Go to the bar.
2) Shout random “Star Wars” quotes.
3) When a woman yells back the next line, marry her.
If I believed changing my profile picture could change the world I’d change it to a picture of vending machines that dispense tiger cubs
Taking the day off to brush up on conspiracy theories and really get this thanksgiving party started.
“What if we put wheels on this toilet?”
*inventor of the RV
I’d like to schedule a disappointment.
Me: “Thanks for always being here for me.”
*leans in for a kiss*
Liquor store clerk: “Please just pay for your bourbon and leave.”
me: what did you have for snack at preschool today?
4yo: well it was a munching thing and it looked like a square taco but it wasn’t a chocolate cookie
me:
Not my fault the petting zoo never specified what I was supposed to pet
He’s dead, Jim. Bought the farm. Bit the pita. Shanked the llama. He’s a shit piñata. He’s gone elf. Dropped the fudgsicle. No more potatoes
Him: What’s in the oven?
Me: Freud chicken.
Him: You mean fried.
Sigmund: Let me out!
Chicken: Me too!