When you tell me to “Go outside and play” you mean go outside & then back inside, then outside, then inside a million times, right?
– kids
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I’m ready to talk trash, okay who recycles?
I wonder how Jeff Bezos became the richest guy in the world.
– Me as I take 47 Amazon boxes out of the house
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
Our Ideal candidate:
-Minimum 3,000 years exp.
-Must have 8 PhD’s
-Speak Klingon
80 hrs a week
$7.15 an hour
Must be passionate about work!
*opens assassination store*
*makes a killing*
I love when really expensive products say ‘apply generously’ like of course you would say that
A guy on Tinder just asked if I wanted to go help him catch a raccoon so I guess I’m engaged now.
Standing desks become a $1000 charcuterie board since I snack so much.
this guy with binoculars has been watching me watch him with binoculars and i don’t know who’s winning
Interviewer: What skills can you bring to this company?
Me: I can kill a spider without screaming.
Interviewer: Your office will be next to mine.
Imagine the sound a centipede would make if they wore tiny flip flops…
“Did you just elect a pope in there?” he asked as the vape cloud billowed from her car window.
my first dose meeting my second
Baby proofing is like trying to plug a giant hole with your finger, much more effective is to duct tape your child to the floor in the middle of an empty room
I can’t wait for thanksgiving. It’s an election year so that means there will be at least 4 fist fights and someone’s getting disowned.
You don’t have to tell me twice because I don’t listen either time.
PMS: You okay?
ME: Terrific.
PMS: I may have pushed too far this month.
ME: [in a bathtub full of chocolate pudding] No, we’re cool.
“I’m still a virgin”
-theres plenty of fish in the sea
“Ur right. I’ll find someone”
-no, I mean u should give up & be a lonely fisherman
*arrives in Las Vegas for first time at age 36*
Me: (in taxi on the Strip) Oh hell yes there’s a Walgreens AND a CVS next to my hotel.
Watching fireworks is like listening to a kid’s story: you have to pretend to be enthralled every time, but in reality you lost interest after the first 3 minutes.
How do I like my eggs? Umm in a cake.
Not to brag but both my kids are from the same dad
[sitting at bar next to cute woman]
You remind me of my late wife.
“Oh I’m so sorry.”
Don’t be, *looks across restaurant* there she is now.
“Treat Others the Way You Want to be Treated”
*Buys everyone snacks
There are only 2 Canadian things I don’t like:
1) Celine Dion
2) Canadian geeseGuess which one is chasing me everytime I go outside.
Very sad to announce I need to cancel the 2020 Boston Handshaking Festival.
Sometimes I make myself feel important by thinking in a British accent.
I wonder if both Wright Brothers were behind their inventions, or it was just one & their mother yelling “Wilbur, you include your brother!”
banks email like “Ummmmm we have a MESSAGE for you. In your INBOX” and then the message is like “Hello we are your bank”
Don’t assume Wal-Mart sells walls. Unless you want an argument about existential reality with an 85-year-old greeter.