omg we watched the muppet movie for the first time tonight and my 8yo says “oh, kermit! I like him because he’s from all those memes” as if kermit just appeared one day drinking tea saying but that’s none of my business
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Me: I might get to sleep in tomorrow!
Kid: Hold my sippy cup…
even if u realy hate sombody, u shoud never insult their physical apearance!!! bc as soon as u dig deeper u will find much stronger insults
Wife: Is he called Batman because he flies at night?
Me: Kinda. But mainly a traumatic childhood bat thing
Wife: So Spiderman had a traumatic spider thing?
Me: No. Bitten by a radioactive spider
Wife: So is Antman childhood trauma or radioactive bite?
Me: No
hell hath no fury like a toddler who lost the chance to push a button
Use cauliflower as a substitute for mashed potatoes, rice, and any joy in your life. You have no friends now, there is only cauliflower.
My Uber driver upon seeing my face(not on my profile) switches his music from rap to the Chainsmokers and this is probably the worst I’ll ever be racially profiled
greetings!
date: what are you thinking about
me: fall should be spelled fa//
date:
me:
date: fell should be spelled fe_ _
*we kiss*
Spice up your meltdown through interpretive dance.
My husband tried to drop me off at my parents’ house when we were driving back from the airport after our honeymoon bc he had forgotten that we were, in fact, married and now lived in the same house.
*donates body to science*
Science: “I have a boyfriend”
Ok, I’m finally off dairy. Next is sugar, then heroin.
If you love someone:
1. Set them free
2. Drunk dial them
3. Read too much into their FB posts
4. Make them feel sorry for you
5. Die alone
Gather ’round you single losers so I can throw my used flowers at you -Brides
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides drink.
her: [during roleplay] come get me
me: [struggling to get up with my ninja turtle shell on] no you get me
I do my best speed walking when I’m trying to beat another customer to the checkout at the liquor store.
“Mmm, tastes just like chicken!”
-My 6 year old eating a piece of chicken
My kid found my ice cream stash and now I have to eat it all tonight so I don’t have to share it tomorrow – parenting is tough and not for everyone
EARTH: with your vast wealth you could stop poverty 90 times over
ELON MUSK: [daydreaming] I’m going to put ice cream trucks on the moon
I’m going back to work tomorrow after the holiday break, which means playing that annual game:
What food is rotting in the office kitchen?
Uhh, hells yeah Id like to participate in your brief survey.
8: I’m gonna marry someone who likes a different cereal than I do, so he won’t eat all my favorite cereal.
Me: Sounds pretty legit.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I blow out her scented candles when she’s not looking.
I was told flattery would get you everywhere but the bank manager in charge of this vault does not agree.
Me: How are you doing? Is our date starting to feel a bit awkward?
Her: Yeah, a little…
Me: I was talking to my mom!
Mom: No, I’m fine.
I accidently invited new friends to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
Is Vanilla Ice’s son named Vanilla Extract? Cuz he should be.
Having a dog around pretty much denies any opportunity to take advantage of the 5 second rule on a dropped chip
When people ask me if my twins are natural I say no they’re robots.