On your first day at the beach, go up to the toughest-looking guy there, and let the air out of his water-wings.
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my mom gave me a whistle in case you guys start giving me advice
If I were the dinosaurs I would simply use my enormous tail to bonk the asteroid back into space
Dr. Reverse Psychology: Fine, have it your way, hero.
Captain Resplendent: Aghhh! Reverse psychology. My only weakness.
DRP: Muahahaha!
CR: *weakening* It’s my… only… Kreeptonite.
DRP: Oh no! Mispronounciations are my Kryptonite.
CR: Kreeptonite.
DRP: *weakens further*.
It’s impossible to buy a mirror that isn’t used
the Lord of the Rings is mostly a bunch of really old guys walking around telling some 40 year old Hobbits “yeah this place used to be really cool but it sucks now”
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: why, what have you heard?
The person in front of me paid for my coffee and I had to do the right thing, so I ordered a donut also.
BFF: do you ever have those weeks where you don’t want to work out, eat what you want and be lazy?
Me: *eating cheesecake with my hands while laying on a lounge chair* nope.
I appreciate that the saleslady informed me I’d be more comfortable in a 36B cup size, but this is a Best Buy & I’m looking for humidifiers.
As a scarecrow, people say I’m outstanding in my field. But hay, it’s in my jeans.
Once there was a dead bat in our driveway, but he shrieked at me when I tried to pick him up and that’s how I found out dead bats are jerks.
The lady at the passport office just said to the man in line: The Walgreens down the street takes great pictures.
I said: I, too, am incredibly photogenic.
Good cop: frisks you
Bad cop: takes his time
I don’t care which way you swing, guy wearing a Tapout t-shirt & Capri pants, but you’ve GOT to make a choice.
imagine after whispering your sins thru the confessional screen you hear a toilet flush
My neighbor thought she saw me doing yoga in the driveway, but actually I was just checking the mail on ice.
Pro tip: Get two photos that are ten years apart and label your before photo as your after and your after photo as your before.
[at wife’s funeral]
Son: At least shes in heaven now
Me: [delicately places hand on his shoulder] You don’t know shit about your mom
jury duty is so unserious. like uh oh it’s time for my government-mandated gossiping!
The real heroes are my neighbours in a 5km radius during my quarantine bagpipe practice
This is the most embarrassing thing that’s ever happened to me. I call my cat “my sweet boy” and went out on my porch, saw him and said “hey there sweet boy” unfortunately a teenage boy happened to be walking by just then, looked over at me and then took off running.
reminder
My sports team is better than your sports team!
“Is not!”
Is too!
“IS NOT!”
*pulls out giant foam finger*
Whoa man, be cool
I think I can speak for everyone when I say that I am a ventriloquist.
[date]
Me: ‘Don’t let her know ur a boxing ring announcer…’
Her: “Shall we order dessert?”
Me: “LET’S GET READY TO EAT APPLE CRUUUUMBLE!”
therapist: a lot of my clients are feeling that way right now
me: ok rank us
Nephew: Hey, Uncle Jesus, can you buy me and my friends some beer?
Jesus: No, but I can get you wine. Let’s go over to the water cooler, shall we.
The door is closed? I want in. The door is open? I want out. Actually I just want to sit in the door frame itself. – Pets
Not today.. 😂
everyone: IT WAS COLD OUT THIS MORNING BUT NOW ITS WARM! WHATEVER SHALL WE DO?
me: finally *slowly unzipping my khakis at the knee so they become shorts* now is my time to shine