Before you decide to spend less time on social media, make sure you go to every social media website and tell everyone.
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i actually have so much empathy for pigeons. we’re all just waking around the city together eating garbage and almost getting hit by cars
I’m not allowed to use the credit card anymore, last month I bought 43 falcons
Sometimes I wonder how vegans can survive off what little they can eat and then I remember they just feed off attention.
Started watching that Godzilla King Kong movie and the first lines of dialogue are basically a scientist saying “Well Godzilla and King Kong are definitely going to have to fight each other, as you know they have an ancient rivalry”
Not saying I found that jet, but is there a reward?
A dying fire will always attract a dad with a stick who will poke it twice and say, “…that should do it.”
the 3 types of Beach Boys songs are “look, a pretty lady!” “boats are cool” and “I will die alone”
No one:
My 6YO daughter: Mom had three cocks today.
(I had three cokes and she needs to work on her reading)
A dragonfly just landed on my face an I reacted the same way I’d react if an actual dragon had landed on my face.
THEN WHY IS HE WEARING A BOWTIE? I WANT TO GIVE HIM SPAGHETTI
boss: I’m sorry Alan we’re going to have to let you go
bungee cord tester: N
O
O
o
o
ᵒ
I’m going to break into your house and steal that thing with the little wheels on it under the plate in your microwave.
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
[company all-hands Zoom call]
CEO: The future is ahead of us!
Me [unmuting]: Um. Yeah. That’s how time works.
Me: I’m on social media because I want attention.
Scammers: Hi!
Me: Not like that.
Dammit, I forgot which one I left my key under.
do singers know a song will be big beforehand? like that snow white hi-ho song, no way those lil’ dudes knew, they were just mining and shit
Me: OMG I love this song
Radio: should I play it again
Me: okay
Radio: fifteen times
Me: wait
Radio: every hour
Me: no
Radio: for the next six months
Her: Let’s play doctor.
Me: Ok. That’ll be $500.
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas
*slams jug on counter*
Boom! Fresh milk from the neighbor’s cows.
Wife: Ummm they don’t have cows…they have Dalmatians.
Considering they were routinely burned alive, a coven is a pretty unfortunate name for a collection of witches.
it’s not abuse if the substance likes it.
My wife bought a rice cooker today. I guess we’re going to eat a ton of rice over the next few days and then never again.
Subtle cannibal alert: people who call their friends “peeps” around Easter.
How come Noah didn’t just slap those two mosquitoes?
Why is he not as excited to meet me? 🙁
I don’t always drop things when looking in the fridge, but when I do, it’s a Costco size box of blueberries