Get a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.” Wait for people to ask what your tattoo means.
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Cop *knocking on door* open up it’s the police!
Me: it’s ok, I haven’t done any crimes
Cop: The fashion police
Me *kicking my crocs off* shit
Just found out that “Shake what your mama gave you” is considered extremely offensive to amoeba.
my fitness device congratulated me on “playing ice hockey” and told me i burned 300 calories over the past 20 minutes.
i was eating a Wendy’s baconator.
(3 minutes into a hunger strike)
Alright I’m ready to make some concessions.
He’s eating a burger and fries all nom nom nom and I’m over here eating a salad all non non non.
shark tooth fairy: *throwing fins up in the air* I quit
i prefer to think of myself as less “bad at running” and more “really good at running 13 minute miles
Just because they call the 20yr high school reunion Prom 2.0 doesn’t mean you should wear your prom dress. I know this now.
I’m guessing the person who decided how to spell “queue” and “okay” got paid by the letter.
Eating Triscuits always feels like I’m chewing very small wicker lawn furniture while a family of dolls in beach outfits stares at me in horror.
reporter: an asteroid is predicted to hit earth this week
me: *vacuums a little faster*
I always try and write my tweets real slow because I know some of you can’t read fast.
Get in loser we’re going crying
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about walking down the aisle.
im writing this yelp review on behalf of my brother. im sure he would have agreed that kenneth is one of the worst parachute instructors we’ve seen. furthermore..
I named a large spider I saw today in my bedroom “Cotton Eye Joe” because Where’d you come from. Where’d you go.
I bet if Bruce Banner had children he’d be the Hulk more than 90% of the time.
Tastes like chicken.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ’embarrassing’
“Oh I don’t mind, you can say it”
No, it’s really ’embarrassing’
“Ok, I promise not to laugh”
Comedians shouldn’t joke about serious issues. They achieved perfection with slipping on banana peels and there was no need to innovate beyond that
I just screenshot my blue check and made it my banner. That was easy. And free 😂
She said she liked it doggy style…
…but when I threw the frisbee, she didn’t even budge.
guy: my dog just died
girl who studied abroad: wow that reminds of this one time in Europe i saw a dog
[Date night]
WIFE: Remember the night we met?ME: Yeah you walked in, I was eating pizza, and our eyes met
WIFE: It was amazing
ME: It really was and I don’t normally like deep pan
[first day as a police sketch artist]
Victim: Why is there a meerkat in the picture?
Me: I used to do this at the zoo
“Are you happy, Ted? Now you know what that button does.”
Found an m&m on the floor. It’s been there all night, but I figure that’s well past the statute of limitations on the 5 second rule.
Anyway, once I brushed off the cat hair it tasted fine.
A lot of people don’t know this but the couch that played coffee shop couch in Friends is a couch in real life too
My main concern about having kids with my boyfriend is he’ll see me & our two-year-old together and be like “wait they kinda act the same”
Her: I feel a special connection between you and I.
Me: I think you mean between you and me.
Her: I don’t mean either now.