No pizza delivery in prison is the reason why I haven’t murdered anyone yet.
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[meeting my gf’s parents]
her: *quietly* don’t worry, my dad’s nice but he doesn’t say much[later]
her dad: I love my daughter very a lot
me: i see
Absolutely delighted to welcome Neville as our new Head of Anti Terrorism today! Nothing gets past Nev.
*draws chalk outline around my VISA card*
It is snowing perfect snowball packing snow right now, so I was wondering if anyone would like to walk slowly past my house?
I sleep with a knife under my pillow in case someone breaks in and needs to filet a fish
middle names are so funny. it’s like ok what if we gave this baby a second worse name that’s a little bit of a secret ?? and it kind of has to be marie
A friend with a printer is worth 8 regular friends
I don’t go back to my hometown very often because I’ve burned too many bridges. And also because I am wanted for bridge arson.
It has come to my attention that some of you are eating the bottom half of cupcakes. That is the peel, people. Know your fruit.
My kid started doing this annoying preteen whiny voice and now I can turn my head all the way around like the exorcist.
Recipe:Add wine and cook out the alcohol.
Me: Whaaaaaa?
Why are charming men called lady killers and not Lassassins?
under my wife’s car waiting to grab her ankle and yell “how are you?”
me: doctor said I have to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal bed
Kylo Ren used to complain his parents were passive aggressive.
Well, boo hoo.
My dad was actively aggressive.
Just ask my hand.
Me: Please?
Daycare worker: No.
Me:
DW:
Me:
DW: For the last time, you’re not allowed to come in to just look at the babies.
Me: DAYCARES ARE BABY ZOOS!
My therapist thinks meeting women on twitter for sex is a bad idea. His wife disagrees.
♫ she’s just a small time girl
workin at Jurassic Woooorld
opened a raptor cage
now they’re everywhere ♫
Me: *holding a baby* How do you reboot this thing?
9-year-old: Sorry I stayed up past my bedtime last night.
Me: You stayed up past your bedtime?
9: No.
After watching HGTV, my husband and I have decided to become dog walkers so we can increase our house hunting budget to 4 million.
Monkeypox is sexually transmitted, making me absolutely immune.
Million dollar idea: Dating website for leopards called Connect the Dots
[job interview]
“So do you have any questions you’d like to ask me?”
Can I wait a week until I take the drug test?
People of my generation are always saying that they are shocked how little role quicksand plays in their lives, but I gotta tell you, knowing the difference between a stalagmite and a stalactite has not proved to be as critical as I expected either.
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
At this late date, the only way I’m gonna be famous is if I save a baby from a fire. And the baby is filming the whole thing with his phone.
On Valentine’s evening I usually stay in and watch a romantic movie. You know, like American Psycho.
I wish the Popemobile was outfitted more like a little aquarium for him. Put a treasure chest in there, maybe even a scuba guy.