Thoroughly enjoyed my walk along a nudist beach this morning.
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JUDGE: your sentence will last for 5 years
ME: I can’t speak that slowly
ME: You go thru space & time, just traveling alone?
DOCTOR WHO: Usually w/a companion
ME: Folks from space-time?
DW: God no 21st century UK
My mother’s gravy is so lumpy it’s having a biopsy.
The next time I accidentally wear a red shirt to target I’m just gonna tell everyone there is a sale on deer meat in isle six
sometimes late at night i look up at the stars and wonder what life would be like if my hair was spaghetti. would i eat it? i prolly would. would i eat other peoples hair spaghetti? again, most likely yes
waiter: can i start you off with something to drink?
me: milk for me please
date: [visibly disappointed]
me: uh make that 2 milks
*hip thrusts my way to the buffet table*
I don’t mean to brag but I’m pretty lonely for a girl with an extensive action figure collection AND a fear of rocking chairs.
They should invent a Sunday that’s longer than a couple of minutes.
I stopped yelling at my kids when they piss me off
and started taking bites of their sandwiches instead.12yo is going to school with JUST crusts today.
My kid wanted to watch something scary, so I had her watch the cashier ring up our groceries.
They say you shouldn’t drive distracted…
that’s why I make my kids run along side the car.
Not saying the service in a café yesterday was slow, but on the back of the menu it said they opened in 1874, and there was a picture of me ordering my cup of tea
please stand back I’m about to make this worse
You’d think cats would act more grateful that we sent Curiosity to Mars.
“It’s because I raised eleven kids in a previous life,” is what I tell people when asked why I don’t have any children.
My favorite part of football is when players “look to God.”
Because He’s all, “I can’t do shit for the Middle East but I’m rooting for YOU.”
Why I hate technology:
Most of my lightbulbs now have a longer life expectancy than me.
“…She is survived by one son , three porch lights and one ceiling fan bulb”
It’s not Christmas until I see Snoopy eating 37 human femurs.
Fun Fact: When you die, someone will feel inconvenienced that your funeral is on a particular day. lol
FRIEND: it’s a strange time to be alive
ME: *looks at watch*
ah yes, 6:30
I child proofed my entire house…
and they still got in
Your first mistake was trusting me with leftover tiramisu in the fridge
the cool thing about having longer hair is using it to floss your teeth in a pinch
20s: break dances in bar with traffic cone on head
30s: tries to walk in heels without breaking ankle
40s: yawns too hard and breaks rib
*gets period*
“So that’s why I’ve been in a mood for the last 24 days.”
A group of crows is called a murder. A group of people walking slowly in front of me at the store is called a motive.
My kids both made it into college despite the fact I helped them with their math homework.
Today’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Tomorrow’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Long-Term Forecast: Room Temperature
The Tower of Babel is my favourite story. Made God so mad that he forced everybody to learn French. Imagine being so angry you invent the phrase sacré bleu.