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when my daughter is mad she points at me and delivers what I can only assume is a gypsy curse
Oh, you’re an American? Yeah, right.
Name 5 disastrous foreign policy decisions.
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
Cauliflower is just broccoli that’s seen a ghost.
Recipes that call for cheese are always 2 cups short.
My parents are coming so I’ve put drop sheets over the entire house to look like we’re in the middle of painting. I don’t want them to know we live like this.
What kind of bears don’t have teeth? Gummi bears. 😉
There are approximately zero ways to chase paper in the wind without looking like the village idiot
[worried my date might be getting bored so i turn my video game difficulty from easy to hard]
I told my friends, family and dentist that I chipped my tooth recently because Storm Isha blew the garden door into my face at high speed. The truth is that I was actually playing tug of war with our Alsatian dog, by holding the other end of the rope in my teeth.
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
If I got a boyfriend I wouldn’t know what to do…
What do they eat? How often do they need to be walked? Can they be house trained?
Chicken bread
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy. She was a girl. Can I make it any more obvious?
Me: Yes you could. That is incredibly vague.
ive never seen any flies in the house but this spider is getting fat so how do I tip a spider?
ME: *traps a spider under a glass*
ROOMMATE: Now what?
ME: *ear to glass* We eavesdrop on him.
I love how my car’s check engine light turns off. Of course this means the engine has healed on its own.
8yo: I want to paint my pumpkin this year!
Me: Cool, what color?
8yo: Orange!
Me:
8yo:
Me: *pours drink* Let’s do it
When life gives me lemons, I make lemon meringue pie..because lemonade is for amateurs…& because I’m gay..& we always take it up a notch.
*twirls fork through hair*
So, is it is really murder if you stab them when they stand between you and your cake?
*hangs a vacant sign on your forehead*
Perfecting my gay-nar. It’s an underwater homosexual detector.
me: what do you know about atoms?
friend: very little
me: besides that
When your great-grandchildren call you racist for thinking all monkeys look the same.
Me, parenting my kids 10 years ago: We don’t hit each other. We use our words.
Me, parenting teens now: Please take it outside if you’re going to kill your brother. I just cleaned.
sometimes I wonder if Einstein’s friends were ever able to say “nice work, Einstein” without sounding sarcastic
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: night<3
me: goodnight stars 🙂
moon: wtf
me: sry wrongnumber
moon: whos stars
moon: who is stars
moon: answer me
Honest wine recommendations are exactly what you need via @pleatedjeans
date: do you like reading?
me: *holding menu upside down* is it spicy?
(to the tune of We Will Rock You)
I feed my dog dog food