A Citizen’s Arrest for the next person who asks me if I’m ready for Christmas.
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After weeks of progress, I suddenly stopped losing weight. I hit a wall.
*puts ice pack on hand* OK, so I was a little upset.
Seriously contemplating remarrying my ex wife, but I’m pretty sure she’ll figure out that I’m just after my money.
Mom: how’s your little cult thing going honey?
Me: [sigh] mom Twitter isn’t a cult.
Dad: it sounds like a cult to me.
Mom: 80k people follow him Harold.
Me: seriously not a cult.
Dad: what do you call all those people?
Me:
Mom:
Dad:
Me: my followers.
Honestly son, that nightlight just makes it easier for the monsters to find you.
I was once a guest at a house where the owner told me that his mother died in the bed I was sleeping in and I don’t blame her because that bed was comfy.
Why are there never any cool side affects from drugs?
Like “this drug may cause severe sexiness”
[at Red Lobster]
WAITRESSES: *run toward me*
ME: Red Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *stop*
ME: Green Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *run*
MANAGER: Okay, SIR…
Who needs coffee to wake you up when one fall in the shower can turn into a break dance of horror
I drank my recommended amount of water today, yay!
Okay, well there was some vodka mixed in every cup, but still.
Demonstrated a somersault for my kid and almost died.
If you get caught about to eat food off the floor, just pretend you lost your contact.
The more I get to know people, the more I realize why Noah only let animals on the boat.
Him: You put feathers of a crow in this drink?
Me: Yes, I made sure they all came from 1 crow. It’s…
Him: Please don’t.
Me: …single molt
My schedule can get pretty packed – that’s why I like to use Google calendar to keep myself organised. For example [scrolls down for45 seconds] December 25th is Christmas Day
A bunch of things I labeled yesterday as tomorrow problems had the nerve to show up today and I’m just like excuse me who said you could be here.
[1st day as an animal researcher]
*tagging a bear*
Me: you’re it
My cooking show would just be an hour of me looking for Tupperware lids.
Me: At the start of this year, I never could’ve guessed I’d be in debt to a raccoon
Friend: Animal Crossing is pretty fun though
Me: What’s Animal Crossing?
Him: why doesn’t anyone want me?
Me: I want you.
Him: why doesn’t anyone else want me?
To whoever needs to hear this: Tie your hair back before you pick up all the dog poop.
Kids today are so spoiled with their yummy gummy vitamins. It’s nothing like when I was a kid and we had to chew on orange-flavored chalk.
Current situation: laying in bed trying to manifest breakfast
If you’re not supposed to abuse cough syrup then why does it come with a little plastic shot glass?
If Spiderman really did whatever a spider can, he’d scare the shit out of women and get his ass kicked with a flip-flop.
*painting your nails* one hand : perfect. other hand : looks like a blind cat did it.
There’s no “us” in nachos.
why do only doctors get a special hammer for beating people with. I should be allowed to have one of these too
[feather on the ground]
4-year-old: It’s a pterodactyl feather!
Me: Pterodactyls don’t have feathers.
4: I know. They fell off.
I get it, McFlurry machine. I don’t work when I’m at work either.