I didn’t have time to have my coffee before drop off this morning. Anyway. Hopefully I brought them to the right school.
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the other one is “smunchy” which is we stopped making the smooth peanut butter early. i’m close to becoming a smooth peanut butter guy just so i can eat a finished product
Beethoven: hey everybody, this next song’s called “Für Elise”
Elise: omg, we broke up 6 months ago, get over urslf
B: SHUT UP ELISE I LUV U
My chess strategy is to make a bunch of erratic moves at the beginning to throw my opponent off, & then lose the game
Me: I’ve always said I’d never get married again but there is one man that has changed my mind and that’s…
Him: Wow. *gets on one knee*
Me: …Mr. Bean
Me, age 21: I bet I can cannonball into the pool from the balcony of this Super 8
Me, age 51: I have to wait ten seconds after I stand up until the factory settings in my body reset
[drops a pinch of fish food into fish tank]
ME: here ya go little buddies
FISH: oh wow pukey shit flakes again, thanks man
I came.
I saw.
I forgot why I went upstairs.
One bowl of cereal: snack
Two bowls of cereal: meal
Three bowls of cereal: Stop flashing your obvious wealth, Tristan
[first day as life guard]
guy in water: help! help!! i don’t know how to swim!
me: *moving my arms* like this but in water
I appreciate the optimism, guys, but I’m fairly confident it’s going to be Charles.
I don’t really have a “blood type.” I think all bloods can surprise you if you just give them a chance.
I support this random dude and all his protests
‘oh there’s not a big enough piece of cheese left to grate I’ll just eat this last bit’ *shoves 2/3 of a mozzarella ball in my mouth*
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
My daughter was disappointed with dinner last night and said, “At least this is better than pasta.” Which is a real shame because we’re having pasta for dinner tonight.
Started a hate list & so far I just have myself & the ladle from Jurassic park
Me: *gets in from fishing trip*
Girlfriend: did you catch anything?
Me: *sighs* just an old boot
Girlfriend: okay, what’s she called?
[2025]
Me: *tapping out Morse code on wall shared with neighbor* Man, I miss 2020.
The word “brewery” sounds like a drunk guy slurring a better word
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
If you think a dragon is going to solve all your problems you’re probably right.
I only attract psychopaths. If you’ve ever had a crush on me, find a therapist.
sometimes you fall asleep with your phone in your hand like you’re a raccoon clutching a hotdog
– my husband, romancing me
Me: I look cute today.
Camera: No.
Hey, want to be best friends again?
-6, eyeing the birthday gifts that 4 just opened
When my youngest brother was little he was being bullied and went to my parents for help. They told him “Sticks and stones may break my bones” they then asked him to finish the phrase and he said “but chains and whips excite me” he seriously thought that was he second part.
One of my students told me she’s going to be a tooth fairy when she’s older. I didn’t even know that was an option!
A baby was born laughing really hard with it’s fists closed! The confused Doctor unfolded it’s tiny fingers, & found a birth control pill.
My 4yo has been asking for no syrup on her pancakes. I thought it was really weird because she loves syrup, but today I saw her put a warm pancake on her face which explains the no syrup, and also probably why her face is so soft.
5yo: Does everyone in the world have kids?
Me: No, some people decide they don’t want to have them.
5: I don’t want kids.
Me: Why not?
5: They’re a lot of work.
Me: Then why don’t you be less difficult for me?
5: Well, you decided to have kids.