Hey, sexy. Wanna merge our DNA and make mini versions of ourselves who will never give us a moment’s peace and destroy all our stuff?
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Every winter Olympic sport is just a variation of either ‘get down hill fast’ or ‘knife feet’
God: you’re a mosquito.
Mosquito: what does that mean?
God: you feed on blood.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire?
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: you can fly.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire!
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: garlic repels you.
Mosquito: [happy gasp] i’m an itty-bitty vampire!
sure, i could keep my thoughts to myself but i can’t see “likes” in my journal
Me: And this small habitat is home to over 90% of the world’s bacteria
*tourists taking photos*
Me: Any questions? Yes. You there
Son: If you get these people to leave I’ll clean my room
ME: i’d like to get rid of all this
PERSONAL TRAINER: you’re just making like one sweeping gesture around your entire body
ME: and my head
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
[wife looking at pictures of my dead body with police]
“why isn’t he wearing a shirt”
we believe he removed it when he challenged the coyote
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
“I’d like to make a toast.”
– piece of toast telling her toast husband she wants to start a family
Nothing shocks you quite like finding out your friend’s younger sibling is an adult with a job and family and is not 12 years old anymore.
Two pyromaniacs meeting on match. com is the same as fisherman meeting on plenty of fish.
If we get locked down again, I might actually be willing to chat with someone about my car’s extended warranty.
[first date at restaurant]
Me: *ending call* My mom says no dessert.
Thursday Thought.
I can never tell if my cat left a dead bird at my door, or if it’s the dead bird I ordered from Amazon.
Me: we can all get along and live in unity
Me 2 seconds later behind a couponer at the store: ok no we can’t
Her: Kids! The moving van is here. Bring the boxes
Me: All vans are moving vans LOL
Her: And this is why we’re leaving
They should put a statue of me next to the Statue of Liberty so immigrants know the American Dream is hit or miss.
I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”
I’m not rich in money, but I’m rich in friends and family.
You know, the bad kind of rich.
One of the great things about being a dad is how easy it is to launder my own desire for ice cream through my children
“WTF?”
“Seriously?”
“How could you?”
“Oh, man!”
“I’m right here.”
-my dog watching me throw food in the trash
I thought I heard a noise last night so I got my bat and crept into the kitchen just to find out it was my own stomach grumbling.
My wife found a spider in the shower.
Anyway, the open house is this Saturday if you’re interested.
I could be a masseuse, or I could just be pulling your leg.
People accuse me of never giving a damn about anyone but myself, but I distinctly remember saying ‘bless you’ when someone sneezed last year
I just ate some leftover mashed potatoes out of my hair, and I don’t even remember having mashed potatoes
no babe, my vegan friends don’t want to meet you for the first time at a place called “the flaming pig”
[vasectomy]
Doctor: how did that vase get in there, again?
*falls dramatically on therapist’s sofa* the barista touched the mouth hole