[Theater]
GF: I got M&M’s.
Me: I can’t eat those here.
GF: Why?
M: *exasperated sigh* Because it’s too dark to separate them by color.
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[At auto store]
Employee: How can we get you to walk out of here with 4 tires?
“Sir, you are wildly overestimating my strength.”
WIFE: good news hun we’re up this quarter.
ME: oh yeah? How much?
WIFE: *holding up a coin* this quarter.
My aesthetician asked me to stop calling it a “crisis at the border” when I make a bikini wax appointment
*rolls grocery cart into open house*
Ooh what a lovely lamp!
*puts it in cart*An iPad!
*crosses iPad off shopping list*
*puts it in cart*
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week and it makes me nervous.
When I say something embarrassing I immediately follow it up with something even more embarrassing so everybody will forget the first one
Wind chimes prevent the air from sneaking up on you.
Just saw my evil doppelganger speed away in a DeLorean. I’m sure it’s fine
It’s like my therapist always says, “Please, put on your pants.”
Bringing in an edit button would deny us glorious tweets like these
“Dude, we should swap spacesuits. Just for a laugh.”
“Ha, yeah ok.”
[swaps suits]
“Now we sh-”
“You took a shit in this, didn’t you?”
“Did you ask if it was haunted?”, my husband asks as he heads out the door to pick up a set of drawers I found on FB marketplace.
Me trying to look natural in photos
Accidentally bought something by clicking “OK” 6 times then “place order”
Hotel clerk: May I help you?
Me: Call an ambulance.
HC: What happened?
M: I’m not sure. Someone said calm down and I blacked out after that.
[me sneaking to the bathroom at night to check twitter]
Wife: what are you doing?
Me [looking around for excuse] just…changing my tampon
if you tell your guests your house was just broken into and fake cry they will clean it for free
Everything I know about classical music I learned from Bugs Bunny cartoons.
i’m teaching my toddler that cauliflower is “frightened broccoli” and there is nothing you can do about it
“Hey can you take our picture?”
ME: yea sure
*takes picture*
ME: wait sorry, The Flash was turned on
THE FLASH: *blushing in the background*
I don’t go down to the docks anymore because once I was mistaken for a big bag of sausages and got scooped up by a forklift. Life can be sad.
Me: Aww, a bear!
Bear: You’re being audited by the IRS.
Me: Oh no, a bad news bear.
*medication may cause
– hair cramps
– tongue mold
– restless skin syndrome
– pomegranate ear
– swamp lip
– knee teeth
My stepmother asking me exactly how many chicken nuggets to make for my kids like lady it could be 15 or 0 do I look like some kind of psychic
therapist: why do you do that
me: ummm i don’t know babe u tell me
Saw a momfluencer post where she talked about how she had a “living room family,” not a “bedroom family” because everyone felt happy and safe together in the living room and didn’t feel the need to isolate themselves in their bedrooms. Her kids were 2-years-old and baby.
“moon all gone! moon all gone!” is my toddler’s terrifying new way of saying good morning
Son: can I get lunch money
Dad: I have a boyfriend
I thought my Monday couldn’t get any worse but then Linda from HR said I can’t *make* people in the office call me Stingray.
I hate to brag but I’ve been the biggest mistake of numerous people’s lives.