me *dead*: at least I don’t have to pay student loans
*Gets e-mail* We see your living status has changed. Click to update your loan info.
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Hi. My name is Paul. I have a PhD and tenure. Today I decided to test if a bottle of super glue was open by squirting it into my hand.
Then I tried to clean my hand by wiping it on a box.
Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters. Perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.
Just saw my parents having sex. That’s the last time I go onto that website.
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
[Snow White accepts poisoned IPhone]
Android user: See?
I had my house renamed “Moderation” and now I can pretty much do whatever I want in here.
Catch Pokemon?
No thanks. I’m STD- Free.
“I chose you yesterday, I choose you today, and I will choose you tomorrow.”
– Me, to my coffee
Him: I missed a flight once and that plane crashed
Me: *nodding* Yeah, I bought cashews once and didn’t notice they were unsalted until just before I paid
Me: It’s not often that a single guy like me gets a home cooked meal.
Her: Why don’t you get married?
Me: I’ve never been that hungry.
My husband hasn’t forgiven me for answering ‘Okie dokie artichokie’ instead of utilizing the more socially acceptable phrase, “I do.”
You make me want to be a better home and garden.
I never see my neighbors. Unless I’m walking through the kitchen pulling my bra through my sleeve, glance out the window, and then it’s all like heyyyy
you want me to sit in the back seat? the thing that killed JFK?
Who called it a wolf in sheep’s clothing and not a woolf?
To the person crowding me in the checkout line, do you want a hug .. ’cause if you get any closer, I’m gonna assume you do and give you one.
Me: Honey, I left work early to pick up the kids!
Wife: But we d..
*I arrive into the kitchen with two small goats
Meet Frank and Dolores
Nurse: Hi I’m Sandi I’ll be drawing your blood today.
Me: [not seeing a single red crayon] How?
coworker: my favourite are samosas. what about you?
me lying about having tried Indian food: I mean how do you argue against samosas
Teens today stuck inside all day long playing video games.
In my day, we spent all day outside smoking hash oil & cigarettes with friends.
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– I wouldn’t let the dog drive him to daycare
– the bath was “too wet”
– he wanted syrup for breakfast…just syrup
– his sister “keeps looking at him”
– he wants shoes like his friend Jacob (there is no Jacob)How about your kid?
If you’re ever wondering what to do in an uncomfortable situation, just think “What would teenage me do?”
And then do the opposite of that.
You don’t scare me. You’re not those two minutes when I can’t find my wallet.
“So it’s agreed? If we’re both single at age 40 we’re doing this?”
Yes. If we’re alone at 40, we’re getting matching racecar beds
Priest: look son, I think you should kick the habit
Me: ok
*nun screams*
*performs perfect sleeper hold and drags another mailman into the garage*
…they just keep sending more…
My superpower is morphing my political views to align perfectly with whoever is driving my Uber.
I don’t think ‘safe sex’ sounds like a very good idea. I mean, what if you get locked in and forget the combination
BREAKING: Justin Bieber expresses interest in being baptized. Over 4 million people volunteer to hold his head under water.