I’m 34 years old and I still don’t know what to do when the barber shows me the back of my head with that little mirror.
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Squirrels before girls.
No one:
My 6YO daughter: Mom had three cocks today.
(I had three cokes and she needs to work on her reading)
Yet again my date made me get out of his car before we’d even had dinner. Uber is the worst dating app ever.
[showing off scars]
ME: *lifting shirt* I’ve had this one for as long as I can remember
HER: that’s your bellybutton
judge: your word is meaningless.
me: meaningless. m-e-a-
lawyer: [hand on shoulder] just sit down.
My decision to have kids was based solely on the fact that I was so tired of seeing movies in their entirety & craved constant interruption.
Paris Hilton’s chihuahua Tinkerbell died yesterday. Purses are being held at half-mast.
HR: Punching colleagues is wrong
Me: But he drank from my mug
HR: That doesn’t allow you to—
M: I’d just filled it with gin
HR: You know alcohol is not permitt—
M: —ger beer…
HR: *high fiving me* Nice save!
I’m sorry, but pouring some sugar on someone just sounds like a housekeeping nightmare.
I have no theories as to what the apocalypse will be like.
But I do know my kids will still be asking for snacks.
*tosses bath towel on hotel floor*
[text from wife at home]
“Pick that up.”
*first day as a dog catcher
“I don’t see why we can’t use a ball.”
8YR OLD: dad, why do spiders not stick to their own webs?
ME: [remembering I asked the same question when I was smoking pot at a party in college] are…are you high right now?
[blind date]
HER: i love classic rock
ME: (trying to impress) i’ve been to Stonehenge
Publix cake decorators should get $50/hr
Me, watching you order just one pizza and there’s four of us: I guess you’re an optimist
The past three months of 2021 have flown by.
Difference between Jenna Jameson & Mitt Romney? One does disgusting, amoral things for money; one’s a porn star.
Them: Do your best you can’t hurt me anymore.
Social media apps: Hold my beer🍺.
I used to accidentally repeat stories to my friends a lot but now I just say “I think I’ve already told you this” and say it again anyway
A gender-neutral equivalent of ‘sugar daddy’ is GLUCOSE GUARDIAN.
Shout out to the kidney bean, the trachea celery, the gall bladder peanut and other foods named after internal organs.
Me: Ooh, I love those pretty Christmas lights hanging over the street.
Cop: Those are traffic lights, what’s exactly in the thermos ma’am?
Me when I see someone that knows me in public..
There is no doubt in my mind, I would trade my ovaries for another liver.
Me at age 5 “I wish I had a $1”
Me at age 10 “I wish I had $100”
Me at age 17 “I wish I had $1,000,000”
Me at age 26 “I wish I had $1”
Kids: We’re hungry!
Me: You’re in luck. I have just the thing.
The thing:
this is one of the funniest videos of all time
Me: Footlong
Subway sandwich artist: White or wheat?
Me: Cookie