ME: I want a koi swimming downstream
TATTOO ARTIST: Ah yes. That’s very symbolic. You must be very spiritual?
ME: Ya ha. Also, put a pop-tart in its mouth
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Me: is this dishwasher safe?
Nurse: *taking back baby* absolutely not
Everyone talks about how mean geese are and how aggressive geese are but it seems like we used to eat a lot of goose holiday dinners and now we don’t so
in my backyard: if I see even one bug I’m going inside
on a hike: I want to pet that bear
my last few brain cells clinging on for dear life
Who else looks for the closest parking spot at the gym? I need to save my energy for inside.
“You’re so lucky you’re an adult and can do whatever you want”
-My 8yo, on our way to her 7AM hockey game
self doubt: should I be this obsessed with lord of the rings
elf doubt: why didn’t rivendell share its prosperity with the rest of the races
“How did you get those scars?”
[Flashback to me running into a glass door]
They’re from Cage fighting.
Got banned from being a chef in every restaurant in town because every time someone sent back a pavlova I would call it a boomeringue
The reason I can’t bake is the excessive effort to take out and put back all the pots and pans stored inside the oven
Call any time! *terms and conditions apply
clark kent’s honeymoon starts on a down note
THEM: Hey–
ME: Ring ring. I gotta take this.
THEM: I just watched you say “ring ring.”
ME: Ring ring. Yeah, this is really important.
P: …
M: …
P: Coal?
M: I was trying to make a diamond.
Proctologist: But that’s not how…
Me: I’m very uptight.
GUY: my new boss is gay
ME: my new bed sheets are warm
GUY: [clearly frustrated] what does that have to do with anything?
ME: exactly
Schrödinger’s Dumpster
Judge: you’re guilty of inventing the word ‘liarish’
Me: you can’t be seriousful
My granddad just said if I was having trouble getting rid of coffee stains on my teeth I should soak them in Clorox. I had to remind him that my teeth don’t come out
Diet Tip: If you throw a raisin into your pint of ice cream, it becomes a healthy snack.
In Hell, you cannot peel off the colors on a Rubik’s Cube to solve it
FINALS TIP: Create a reward system to help you study. For example, if you spend 1 hour studying, reward yourself with 72 hours of Netflix.
Underwear and socks come in resealable bags but cereal and potato chips don’t.
[tarot card reading]
*flips card*
You will be a King
*flips card*
And find a beautiful queen
*flips card*
Oh my, you will be clubbed TWICECustomer: …is that a regular deck of cards?
Sorry I can’t make it to your party this weekend, but I’m busy not wanting to come.
[Starbucks Assassins Inc]
CHIEF: Write this down. Target’s name is John
BARISTA: [writes] Jamie
C: Ok. Memorise it
B: [eyes shut] Janet
I think it’s unfair that when a human eats uncooked fish it’s “sushi,” but when a fish eats uncooked human, it’s “a shark attack.”
friends: if bruce wayne was poor batman wouldn’t exist
me: *under breath* what the hell does bruce wayne have to do with batman
I made my will yesterday and had to make my lawyer the beneficiary because my estate will just about cover his bill
Learn from your failures. For example, I will never eat Cheetos immediately before a job interview again.