i hate when adults say “tummy.” im an adult. it’s my STOMACH that hurts. because yet again. I had too many sweets without mothers permission
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pros & cons of going out with me
pros: you’re not alone anymore
cons: me
[doorbell]
delivery guy: parcel for Moose Allain
me: oh, thanks
delivery guy: can I just take a photo?
me: haha yes, of course, where would you like me to
delivery guy: of the parcel
I either need to get serious about losing weight, or start shopping at places that sell costumes for circus bears.
I wish I had the confidence of my mom explaining Instagram to her friend 5 minutes after I told her what Instagram was.
“Congratulations on the baby! Childbirth is so beautiful!” – Someone who has clearly never witnessed the birth of a child.
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*~ me, at trampoline place embarrassing my kids
My bra is off, my pajamas are on, my hair is up. I’m not sure if I’m going to bed, or to Walmart.
On Christmas Eve remember to take a Lexus out for a 24-hour test drive and park it in your neighbor’s driveway with a giant bow on it.
I’m won’t try to steal your man but I might try to steal your sandwich
ME: This is false advertising. I’ve been here an hour and nobody has even touched me. So lonely.
COP: Again, not what a holding cell is for
Apparently I have an on again off again relationship with reality. I just can never tell which one.
*pets unicorn*
When a patron comes into the library the Saturday after Thanksgiving and asks “What’s the right way to cook a turkey,” I know I’m being asked not to provide practical information but rather to get involved in a heated family dispute
Judge: I sentence you to life in prison
Defendant: NOOOO MY ONLINE PRESENCE
Walmart never delivered my grocery order but they gave me a $10 credit so I will give each of my thanksgiving guests a dollar in lieu of a meal. All is well.
9, playing an iPad game: Weird… I accidentally did something and my character became fat.
Me: Same.
Teach your kids about gambling by letting them lick floors
Future Headline:
“Trump Caught On Tape Eating Newborn Babies,
Hillary Caught Using Friend’s Netflix Password
Undecideds Still On The Fence”
Escape rooms because why sit in your house with your kids when you can pay someone to lock you in a room with them and force you all to solve puzzles
I hope whoever came up with the spelling for Wednesday was pudnished for their actions.
Anyone know a good air guitar repair man?
I broke mine in the last battle.
Guys, have you ever become so fed up trying to undo a bra that you wished you hadn’t put one on in the first place?
Why do vegan places always try to copy meat products? Sure meat is murder but plagiarism is a little worse if you think about it
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over
Me: Idk, but could you move this along? I’ve had too much to drink and I really need to pee.
omg this girl flew across the country to tell someone she was in love with them and she posted the journey on twitter and she got there and they rejected her. see that’s why i keep my mouth shut.
COP: I pulled you over because you were swerving.
ME: There was a box of thumbtacks in the road and I wanted to avoid a flat tire.
COP: OK, you’re under arrest for tacks evasion also.
pretending all the cars I’m passing on the road are in a race with me and the cars that pass me are Not in the race they’re just driving somewhere
Boss: You were napping
Me: No I wasn’t
Boss: You drew eyes on Post-it notes & stuck them to your face
Me: Liar! *draws on angry eyebrows*
is it thunder or is someone rolling out their garbage cans to the curb
If you love them set them free but if you don’t love them this still works