Daughter: So the night light will keep the monsters away, right?
Me: haha, no. It’s so they can see where you are. Sweet dreams.
You Might Also Like
It was the third time that summer they’d dug up her garden, and Barbara decided it was time to send the bunnies a message.
My 5-year-old, “can I say bad words in my brain.” I said yes. She’s just standing there with the biggest smile. Pretty sure she’s saying bad words.
“He sure seems like a nice young man” is Grandma-speak for “I’d totally hit that.”
Next on Fox News, men on women’s issues, white men on black issues, rich men discuss the poor and straight men talk about gays.
Guy: I don’t deserve you.
Girl: Awwwww…you’re so sweet…
Guy: I don’t mean that in a good way.
I wish job sites ranked jobs by the level of human interaction you will have to deal with on a daily basis.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need another cup of coffee
And a donut, too.
My safe word is extra cheese
…in queso emergency.
Welcome to your 30s. Water gives you heartburn.
Runner: What’s your fastest race?
Me: Taking the trash out at night
Just felt compelled to apologize again for my joke last year about Don Henley having a pet chicken named Hen Donley.
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
[rap battle]
Opponent: *crushes it*
Me: Oh, I… umm. I thought this was something else… *hastily hides plastic wrap behind back*
*hires skywriter
Will you take me back if I stop wasting our money on frivolous things?
Her: You smell like alcohol.
Me: awww, you smell lovely too.
We don’t have voluntary control over our internal organs because our brains don’t trust us enough to keep ourselves alive.
ME: we can do this
GOOGLE SMART CAR: we can’t clear the bridge
ME: *mashes ‘im feeling lucky’ button*
I can’t wait until my dog is old enough to pay his own way.
Freeloader.
Dads have to rest their eyes in the living room cause they see all the injustice in the world.
Just saw a disheveled man in a bathrobe run out of an uber to an atm. Whose client is this?
Wife: you’re so damn forgetful!
M: oh nonsense!
W: ok, did you get the cat food?
M: WE HAVE A CAT??
I put my shirt on like everyone else. How I get my pants on, however, involves a spatula and 8 monkeys with Navy SEAL-like precision.
ME: I need to return this blender
WALMART EMPLOYEE: Why?
ME:(thinking about how i broke it trying to blend rocks to make sand)
“Its haunted”
body: you’re dehydrated
me: I literally just drank a glass
narrator: that was 3 days ago
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
My mom has more confidence in the people of Oak Island finding the treasure than me finding another husband
My cats won’t talk to me because I came home late from work.
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
Getting high with witches sounds super cool until they start looking at you and whispering about sacrifices.
I’m flying to my 30th high school reunion and I think I forgot to turn my stove off and also to be successful