Them: Can you imagine jogging—
Me: No
Them: —in this heat
Me:
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I’m the kind of friend that will send you a fake emergency text to get you out of a bad date
But also the kind of friend that will make it say:
“Grandma is in the hospital. She fell off her skateboard again”
cute date idea: we go to home depot, you keep a lookout for security while I grab some of the plants they keep outside, we casually walk away with 2-7 new fruit trees
My answer to the question “where would you most like to work?” is the same as to the question “what’s your favourite dog?” Chocolate lab.
I’ve got all my ducks in a row but these chickens have no concept of symmetry.
I’m Sold!
Anyone who wants to learn how to be humble, feel free to talk to me. There’s nothing like learning from the best.
*peeking out the curtains, sighing heavily* Honeyyyy we’ve got sexy singles in our area again
*getting the broom*
Shoo! Shoo! Terry, you have to stop leaving hard seltzers on the porch, it attracts them,
Thought it would be romantic to recreate the 12 Days of Christmas, but having 23 game birds indoors is actually a hellish nightmare.
Sitting here eating blueberries
wondering if my brain is improving
Doubt it…..
took too long to spell doubt
A pastor, a priest and a rabbi walk into a bar…
Power is like wine coolers. Both sound fun, but nobody drunk on either one has ever made a good decision
Kudos to Backstreet boys, they really did straight up make a song that lasted almost 5 minutes about the fact that they were back.
Please, my pastrami on rye. It’s very sick.
In my 20s, I was bullied by a crow the size of a chicken for several months.
Sat next to a cute family at church yesterday. The little girl yells, mom I smell beer! It’s not beer it’s whiskey. Read a book stupid kid.
My unsolicited parenting advice? Clip your kids toe nails with your mouth closed. You’re welcome.
TEENS IN THE 70S: let’s protest war
TEENS IN THE 80S: let’s protest capitalism
TEENS IN THE 90S: let’s rage against the machine
TEENS TODAY: let’s eat laundry detergent
fired for “unleashing rats at work” which is bull shit first off because they don’t make leashes for rats
“Don’t kid yourself.”
—birth control advert
Pretty sure these are the same ingredients in my shampoo.
-me, reading the Pringles can.
My 10 yr old googled how many states are in Oregon so I guess geography skills are like genetic or whatever
Establish dominance on Halloween by eating your neighbor’s jack-o-lanterns.
It has come to my attention that at this time last year I may have dared 2018 to “come at me,” and it did.
Dear 2019: I don’t want to cause any trouble. Please put down that broken bottle so we can get along.
Apparently Zoom sleepovers are a thing and my 11yo is “going” to one tonight.
Now instead of one household taking one for the team and listening 6 preteen girls all night.
6 households have to listen to 6 preteen girls all night.
Thanks 2020!!!
one time my grandma used an american express traveller’s check to buy a whole frozen horse
can’t imagine the number of vampires that have been run over since back up cameras on cars were invented.
Preparing myself for a post apocalyptic wasteland by learning how to sleep without the TV on
When I want to trim down my friend’s list on FB I give my opinion and let nature do the rest.
This day in history. 2008. The entire staff of the Canadian Oxford Dictionary was fired. Now damned if I know if it’s moustache or mustache.
On the list of things I fear the most, “death” comes in as a close second to “audience participation”