I told my kids to stop fighting, so now they’re playing with dolls who are fighting.
You Might Also Like
The yogurt was so far back in the cooler at the store, I almost ended up in an Aha video.
Me: “A handful of goldfish makes a great snack.”
Her: “Those crackers are too salty for me.”
Me (with fish breath): “What crackers?”
the fondue…? you mean, my drinking cheese?
Went to the doctor for my lower back pain and he diagnosed me with being 42.
And The Bro saith unto them,
Follow me to the club,
and I will make you fishers of women.Bromans 4:19
If a gifted child is put up for adoption, is he a regifted child?
The first one, obviously
I got arrested for downloading the whole Wikipedia website.
I told the detective, “Wait! I can explain everything!”
Marriage tip: If your wife says “I didn’t do it” what she means is “You did it”. Accept it and don’t worry that you don’t remember doing it.
Vodka is the quickest way to teleport. You just have to be prepared to wake up naked to an unknown location with another teleporter.
when i don’t respond right away: i’m busy, they’ll understand
when someone takes more than three minutes to respond to me: wow ok judas
me trying to fit into my pre pandemic jeans
The year 2035.
Razors now have 47 blades.
Deodorants offer 186 hour protection.
Tins of corned beef still have to be opened with that stupid little metal key.
The orcas took down that F-35 fighter jet.
Whenever I see a dog in a movie, none of the rest of the movie makes sense.
Why are you dealing with all this conflict and drama?
WHY AREN’T YOU AT HOME WITH YOUR DOG??
People act as though the concept of the thought police is a bad thing, but it would actually be really useful if there were an authority that could pull you over to ask “Do you know how stupid you were going just now?”
can you imagine shamir going through the Bad Freelance Experience…… someone’s like “i want u to assassinate this guy” and she quotes them for 2000g and they go “what? that’s so high! doesn’t it only take you two seconds to, like, shoot an arrow?”
in a world where big data threatens to commodify our lives,. telling online surveys that i “Dont know” what pringles are constitutes Heroism
new boss: mind sharing an office?
me: no
NB: Good [points to room filled w/wolves] bc we finally contained them please keep the door closed
“Is chicken the animal spelled the same as chicken the food?”
– my child, about to be shook
I won $6 on a scratch-off last night. Out of my way, peasants!
I have precisely ZERO idea what people are doing when they inspect inside their egg boxes at the supermarket. But for 20 odd years I’ve dutifully opened the box, nodded appreciatively, and then put my eggs in the trolley without the faintest idea what the hell I’m doing or why.
*Puts on muscle shirt*
*Looks in mirror*
Maybe it takes a few minutes to kick in.
I would like to nominate my husband for Father of the Year for having the innovation to rename Tomato Soup to Ketchup Soup, thereby getting our kids to actually eat it.
After all the tasty socks my washer has decided to have masks for dessert.
I found a baggie of coke while out walking my dogs. I knew adopting the retired police K-9 would pay off.
Child twister: “I can’t tear up that farmhouse, Dad”
Dad twister: “Come on son – we’re Kansas tornadoes, not Kan’tsas tornadoesn’ts”
As the king’s food taster, I essentially have one job: clutching my throat and dropping dead when the soup is poisoned.
Do you believe in life after love?
-Me as a Cher-apist
I respected tiger sharks a lot more after I realized how many hurdles tigers and sharks had to overcome to breed with each other.