Become a parent, so you, too, can be accused of putting too much yolk in an egg.
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Judge: how do u find the defendant
Me: he’s that dude in the orange jumpsuit your honor
Just now realizing my Girl Scout cookie purchase was 370 boxes too low
ATTENTION EVERYONE MONEY ORDERS ARE A SCAM THEY EXPECT YOU TO HAVE THE MONEY ALREADY YOU CANNOT ORDER IT
My alarm went off way too early today. I tried hitting the snooze button but as it turns out – my kid bites.
Deck the halls. Kick the windows. Strike the doors. Pummel the chandeliers. Clog the toilets. You will defeat this house.
The Dark Web implies the existence of a Medium and dare I say Blonde Roast Web.
these two trucks have the same bed length
If Spiderman really did whatever a spider can, he’d scare the shit out of women and get his ass kicked with a flip-flop.
Interviewer: your resume says you’re very literal
Me: my resume talks??
Her: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to learn Japanese and crochet*
Me: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to perfect my cereal to milk ratio*
When I wear those trendy sports bras with a million straps I get stuck in them like a seagull in a six pack ring
“What race was the guy?” – a question you’ll never have to ask my uncle during a story.
I loved her polka dot dress. She had really nice taste and always looked amazing.
-me as a witness, describing the murderer
The International Space Station was assembled IN SPACE.
I can’t follow one page of illustrated instructions to assemble an IKEA dresser.
GOP in 2008: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2012: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2016: Ok Hitler actually had some cool ideas
The bad news is there was a lot of turbulence on my flight this morning. The good news is my phone counted it as steps.
Genie: “You have three wishes.”
Me: “I wish for a burrito with guacamole.”
Genie: “Okay but the guac counts as your second wish.”
“You’ve got something in your teeth”
Me: that always happens when I have porcupine for lunch
I have a coworker who clears her throat every 30 seconds…. each day I ask myself… is this the day I’m going to prison for murder?
The Mrs: Why haven’t you done laundry?
Me: I’m recycling the clothes
The Mrs: You already used that line
Me: I’m also recycling my excuses
Me at 15: I can’t wait to have an apartment and cook myself nice dinners every night 🙂
Me now: today I put a strawberry poptart in between 2 brown sugar cinnamon poptarts; I call it ‘The Berry Delight’ and it is bad
I got free pancakes on International Pancake Day. International Women’s Day is now almost over and I think I like pancake day better.
i want my tweets to have a faint hint of humor, like a joke la croix
one time I was in the hospital elevator with a resident and then the elevator got stuck and I was like “omg we are going to die” and she was like “omg YES I needed this today” and sat down and started eating a granola bar
I haven’t been to Starbucks in two weeks and I’ve saved eight thousand dollars.
“PS, I love you” — Me to my PlayStation.
If there’s no God, why are feet naturally shoe-shaped?
*gets home from game*
“whoa what happened to your eye”
I was on the Kiss Cam
“oh she wasn’t into it?”
with the t-shirt cannon guy’s daughter
My husband coughed and then I coughed from another room. This is our version of echolocation.
The only good thing about grinding your teeth at night is that every morning you can wake up and do a line of teeth off your pillow