A Japanese man has been arrested after reportedly dating more than 35 women at the same time in order to get birthday gifts from all of them
He gave each woman a different date for his birthday, ensuring a constant stream of gifts through the year.
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As an incredibly powerful, mostly evil, very attractive supernatural being, I have one weakness:
A female protagonist who has just turned sixteen and thinks there’s nothing special about her at all.
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a pickup artist.
Her: Pig! [leaves]
Him: *sighs* [puts away prints of exquisitely painted Ford F-150s]
Telling a mother her baby is cute is like giving your compliments to the chef
If I have to bless 3 or more of your sneezes, it’s an exorcism at that point. Sorry but you’re on your own.
so many songs about heartache but only one about a werewolf loose on the streets of london??
Thinking about going to 50 Shades and eating loudly the whole time.
I feel like the person who named pink eye also named orange juice.
If any of you are going Black Friday shopping this week please try and be a decent human being and turn your phone horizontal before recording any fights.
Mom: Sorry, I won’t be able to come in today. My son’s got stuck in the washing machine.
Boss: Aw okay. Poor thing, how old is he?
Mom: 27
“You busy tonight?”
Me: That 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
They say that over time pets will start to resemble their owners and I didn’t believe it until I found my cat fast asleep in front of his food bowl
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg and some days you’re that guy who hit the propeller on the way down.
If you insist on changing someone, do it without their knowledge….Like by poisoning their food.
Tried to type “I’m on my way” and autocorrect changed it to “I’m in my way” and that is probably way more accurate.
[Standards Bar]
Politician: Make it a double.
Just finished reading my first grade students’ attempts at narrative writing. One student wrote about the “dinosaurs who lived a long time ago in 1990.”
*first date*
Me: Well I have a dog, so a lot of my life seems like it’s controlled by them sometimes!
Her: Aw, that’s sweet. Pets can be like that!
My dog: *through my hidden earpiece* OK now tell her I’m a good boy
socratic questions
Not to date myself, but nobody else will.
If someone asks you a question you don’t want to answer just say, “I don’t know. I ran into a sliding glass door and knocked myself out, and now I’m having trouble remembering things.” That will get them off your back for a week.
My wife hasn’t touched me since the election. She took Gore’s loss pretty hard.
This year for Halloween I’m putting my kids in a giant bowl on the front step with a sign that says Please Take One.
I’m holding out for the fitness watch that tracks my heart rate and shocks me every time I pick up a bag of chips
*Crosses fingers*
*Fingers plan their revenge*
why did elementary schools just occasionally bring in a dude with a big snake. who was that man. what were his credentials
Is your GPS supposed to sigh before it says “Recalculating”?
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who asked for oatmeal and you have the audacity to give them oatmeal.
me: I quit my job as a waiter
wife: what? how will you keep putting food on our table?
me: *scoff* I remember my training, linda
My wife handed me a mop so I inspected it and said, “You’re good to go, woman!” and now the mop handle is in a funny place.