*checks pockets for phone 53 times before jumping in pool*
*skinny dips to be on the safe side*
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It’s weird to think there was a time when the most data a tablet could hold was five commandments.
My name is Leon but some of you know me by my street name, 9th avenue.
Text:
OMG! I can’t believe you tweet such
vile, offensive, filthy, sick things.
You should be removed from society.
GET HELP!Love Mom XO
someone trained 10 dogs to jump rope together and I can’t train 2 kids to sit and stay during dinner
My mom said you have to love me and ask me out for Valentine’s Day
CHRISTMAS FACT:
Baby Jesus actually received two blocks of gold on his birth, making him the first child in history to have an Au pair.
DOCTOR: I have some bad news. You have HIV
ROMAN: What?!
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions at this time?
ROMAN: Yes, wtf is H4?
I’m just over here waiting for my 1st Richard pic.
I’m not like those other dudes. I’ll wait until you’re dead to steal your heart.
MOM: Your father was abducted by aliens last night.
ME: [about to adjust thermostat] Oh no.
[meanwhile in ufo]
ALIEN: What do you mean we have to turn around?
DAD: Somethings wrong I can’t explain it.
Me: Bless you honey
4yo: Daddy I didn’t sneeze I coughed
Me: Well bless you anyway
4yo: NO
Birds: but doesn’t the blood rush to-
Bats: pnq ǝɹǝɥ dǝǝls oʇ ƃuᴉʎɹʇ ǝɹ,ǝʍ
If this virus gets any more toxic I’ll probably end up dating it.
I go back to work tomorrow, ending my 91 day weekend.
Me, to the fellas: Load up. We getting magical tonight.
detective: could you please describe the man who assaulted you
me: [first day as a police sketch artist but i lied on my resume and can only draw popeye] uh oh
victim: well he had large forearms
me: oh thank christ
I accidentally touched the underside of a public toilet seat with my finger. Well, you had a good run, finger. *chainsaw sound*
Boomers: we don’t share our feelings.
Millennials: we share all of our feelings.
Gen X: feelings?
“Are you religious?”
Bro I don’t even believe in myself
The most abundant animal in the world is the chameleon. Scientists disagree with me but they’re only counting the ones they can see
Ladies, don’t date hungry guys…they’re just trying to get into your pantries.
Couldn’t afford a man cave. Had to settle for a gazebro
Of course everyone seems sexy in a nightclub.
There’s liquor and you can’t hear them.
Nothing can destroy your good opinion of a company quicker than working for them.
[first date]
ME: I’m from a broken home.
HIM: When did your parents divorce?
ME: No, they were hoarders, and the second floor collapsed.
Wouldn’t that be a cool twist if World War 3 turned out to be a U.S.-Russia thing after all? “So retro!”, you’d think as you were vaporized.
My favourite horror sitcom crossover was I Know What You Did Last Of The Summer Wine
[interrogation]
What were u doing last nite?
I was killin my neighbour, Bert.
Louder for the tape?
[leans in]
Fillin in paperwork. Busy guy.
The scariest sound is an unknown crash followed by my 9 year old yelling “It’s OK! There’s nothing wrong! You don’t need to come up here”