it’s extremely weird how many reporters are turning in long-read stories about how fabulously wealthy jeff bezos is when it is pretty well known that editors are only really interested in pictures of Spiderman
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“did I catch you at a bad time?”
– yeah, I’m awake and I’m sober
“There can only be one!” -Arab eyebrows
My dad called me last night and said “I’ve been reading through your tweets and I hate to break it to you but there’s no way you can run for public office now”
X-rays are dangerous, they were probably less harmful when they were just rays, but after the breakup…
I like to ask strangers in line at the DMV to guess my weight just so I can see what I can get away with putting on my license.
(Indian wedding)
White friend: OMG that’s so spicy!Me: First of all, it’s a glass of water.
*dusts off treadmill*
Alright, that’s enough cardio for one day.
“Quality over quantity” hmm? Thank you for passing along this incredibly deep thought, Dr. Philosophy. I’m really anticipating your next piece of sage wisdom…perhaps “open the door before trying to walk through it?”
being an adult is just complaining how tired you are and then staying up till 3am reading r/aita
Rather than waste money on charity for the homeless, let’s invest in splicing their genes with snails so they always have their own shelter.
My third bottle of wine was able to “breathe” for a few hours when I opened it at 3am and passed out on the floor.
*robbing a bank with a chainsaw*
Me: GIVE ME ALL Y-
Teller: WHAT
M: GIVE ME THE MONEY
T: SIR YOU CAN’T HAVE THAT IN HERE
M: WHAT
My son: little pig, little pig, let me in!
Me: Ok first of all, rude because, yes, I have been eating more lately, no need to get personal son
My son: say your line mummy!
Me: not by the hair of my ch- OK I’M NOT PLAYING ANYMORE
Dating: Your eyes hypnotize me
Married: Your eye rolls hypnotize me
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
Do you need a glass of water?
No???
You sure? You seem a little salty…
My career goal is to immortalize every travel nightmare on the silver screen
– Tom Hanks, probably
HONEY I ACCIDENTALLY FILLED THE BABY’S BOTTLE WITH RED BULL
Oh god, is he sick
HE’S GOT ME IN A HEAD LOCK AND IS SAYING I’M A NERD. CALL 911
30-year-old: My knee hurts, but I don’t know why.
Me: Aww, that’s cute. I remember when I thought pain had to have reasons.
Why hasn’t there been a blind dating show where they just try each others cooking first?
[Breaking up]
It’s not you, I’m just trying to focus more on Batman now.
Whoever created crustless pot pie had no clue why people eat pot pie.
Anderson Cooper: “the Arizona wildfire is flaming out of control.”
Arizona Wildfire: “Wow, isn’t that the pot calling the kettle black.”
If they didn’t want to see me twerk at this PTA meeting they shouldn’t have asked if I had any skills I could bring to the table!
Ninety percent of the body’s serotonin is made in the gut so this beer belly is more like my emotional support dog.
I got replaced as Romeo in the high school play because the girl playing Juliet kept stabbing herself in Act I.
Call me cute and I’ll bite your kneecap.
[Witness Protection Program]
So the more ordinary, mundane your new name is, the easier it’ll be to blend into your new-
BUBBLENUTS McFUNKY!
Me: why aren’t you eating your peas?
5: sometimes kids just don’t want peas, you wouldn’t understand
This isn’t working out. You’re one of those “talk it out” types and I just want to slam cabinet doors and fantasize about a garden full of hard-to-detect poisonous plants.