“Your package is running late and no one is more surprised and upset than we are.”
—Lies Amazon tells me.
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Them: you have an attitude problem
Me: it’s not a problem… I like it
I hate it when genies exploit your poor choice of wording to fulfill your wish in a way you don’t actually want, like dude, you know what I meant.
I like waiters.
They bring a lot to the table.
“See you later alligator”
“In a whilst crocodile”
-why we fought the British for independence
handsome customer: [pointing] that costume please.
clerk: sexy warlock. you got it.
me: same as him.
clerk: creepy male witch, comin’ up.
Me looking for the right song so I can carry on cleaning
How do you tell someone you’re the one I want without sounding too much like John Travoltra in Grease.
Never be a pizza!
cashier, scanning alcohol: ID please
my dad, every single time: [pointing to me] here’s my ID. heh
Some people are like sunglasses. Your day just becomes so much brighter when you accidentally drop them off the side of the boat
Shoplifting condoms call that seizing the means of protection
I almost accused a 10 yr old of stealing my dance moves but it turns out he just really had to go to the bathroom & didn’t know where it was
Wife: Give me $50
Me: Can’t, it’s all tied up in our long-term investment strategy
W: Eh?
M: Gave it all to a psychic for next week’s winning lottery numbers
W: IDIOT
M: Knew she was good, that’s exactly what she predicted you’d say!
W: I despise you
I’m always two drinks away from digging up my backyard to look for dinosaur bones
Me: this whole quarantine thing has caused me to use my phone so much more. my phone case feels super grimy and sticky.
Husband: are…are you using your phone to spread peanut butter?
Me, licking case: and jam.
Kind of sad that the most fragile men in the world are required by law to become pro wrestling referees.
[poker night with the boys]
wife: *on the phone*: I’ll be home soon, need anything?
m: yes please, chips and beer
w: ok. winning?
m: all pants are off
w: you meant bets, right?
m *neatly folding my jeans*: I know what I meant
My toddler just spent five minutes explaining that he can’t use his imagination because he traded it to a kid at daycare for some fruit snacks. Ok, bro.
Saw a Fed Ex driver screaming out the window of his truck “we da real Santa Claus.” New York is the best.
Han Solo had a much cooler older brother called Drum
Couple finalizing divorce and they are fighting over the joint Facebook account bc candy crush is linked to it.
Anyone want to trade jobs?
sugar glider wrangler
[first date]
HER: So, do you like children?
ME: Oh sure, I’ll eat anything.
HER: What?
ME: What?
[After performing the Dirty Dancing lift at our wedding]
ME: Well that sure impressed them!
WIFE [gasping for breath] You’re getting heavier
“you are one of the four horsemen of cringe” – my 12yo
[interrogation]
ME: I’ll only answer questions if that officer over there starts kissing my face
COP: Again, the police dog isn’t an officer
Somewhere Keanu Reeves is sad because he keeps following people on social media and getting blocked because nobody believes it’s him.
As soon as they figure out sex, we’re saved.
#Caturday
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