So many people say they love their Roomba, but you never see them set it free.
You Might Also Like
Jesus: [walking past a pond]
[A herd of hungry ducks begins waddling behind him]
Jesus: [starts walking faster]
My superhero name is Typoman. I am the writer of wrongs.
‘our sage died’ , my wife calls from the garden
‘ok, well, ok’ I say after a desperate mindscroll to be sure we have no children, pets, friends, parents, cousins called Sage
That moment at the flea market, when you realize you’re looking at a vampire killing kit.
My husband giving me instructions as he prepares to leave town: “Don’t put the dogs in their crates today. Let them sleep on the couch.”
Me: “Why?”
Him: “That’s how they know it’s the weekend.”
Me: Why is the dog staring at the floor?
Wife: I’m baking cookies and she’s waiting for one to drop so she can eat it.
Me: [also now staring at the floor]
I miss the days before the internet, when you didn’t know some person’s every awful thought until they died and you cleaned out their attic.
I don’t hate my job. I just really enjoy curling up in a ball and sobbing under a blanket in the backseat of my car during lunch.
EMT: [opens my shirt revealing bread covering my nipples] You faked cardiac arrest for this?
Me: Just say clear and make my grilled cheese.
Twitter is like being able to read every toilet wall in the world.
[bedtime]
SON: Can you leave the light on?
ME: So it’ll be easier for the monsters to find you?
SON: What?
ME: What?
My Aunt Mabel was fond of saying that something was “uglier than homemade sin” but when asked what store bought sin might have looked like, she’d just get pissed.
Me: That was fun! Fist me!
Him: What?!
Me: Fist me!! *holds out knuckles*
Him: …..
*waits to answer so he misses me*
(5 seconds later) okay, that’s long enough
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I have used a condiment from my parents’ fridge without checking the expiration date
Just told my husband we needed to end this year with a bang and now I’m regretting my choice of words.
Now I find out my ground hands are actually called feet wtf is going on today
wife: [steps out of time machine] my god you’ve aged horribly
me: u didn’t even turn it on
Clearly my autocorrect has ship to say
[at a fancy restuarant]
WIFE: make sure u leave a good tip
ME: ok [writing on bill] “only evolve ur pokemon when uve activated a lucky egg”
Spice up grocery lists for your partner:
Im so thirsty- juice
Make my mop wet- shampoo
I only moo for you- you get the idea
I’m a pancake in that I’m attracted to all cakes equally.
The best things in life are free.
Stealing is awesome.
Does anyone want a free microwave? Contact me. We can talk about how we both want a free microwave
My husband got some virtual reality goggles for christmas and so far I like them because they make him very vulnerable to attack.
Permission to use your hammer, your honor
It’s a gavel
Permission to use your gavel
Denied
*looks longingly at pile of walnuts & sighs*
I will piledrive the next kid who puts on a shitty movie then leaves the room.
Imagine trying to explain Captain America: Civil War to Abraham Lincoln.
With sufficient velocity, any object can be an effective weapon. Unfortunately this kitten is not cooperating.