WIFE: *spells out words so the kids won’t know what she is saying*
ME: [to the kids] I don’t know either.
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The new options on Facebook look like the life cycle of every relationship I’ve ever had
The actors are getting so old in the Fast and Furious franchise, the next movie will be them stuck in a grocery store parking lot
Let’s walk and talk.
You go that way.
When I dropped your baby, that was traumatic for me too. Maybe think about my feelings for once.
If you’re wondering why it seems like there are so many birthdays these past few weeks it’s because we are the result of parents who have sex once a year on Valentines Day
All is fair in drunk and war.
Explaining to the plumber that it’s a ziplock bag of my birthday cake I forgot I hid in the toilet tank, and also please don’t tell the kids about this spot.
A Quiet Place but it’s just me trying to open a piece of cheese without my dog hearing
Me: I fell down the stairs with a quart of Jägermeister & I didn’t spill a drop.
Him: Well, how’d you do that?
Me: I kept my mouth shut..
Good news: It works the other way around.
I entered “internal bleeding” & “unconscious” in WebMD and it said I have a stuffy nose.
Phew.
cooks vegan zuchinni alfredo for dinner (evolved). follows it up with fistfuls of shaved parm straight out of the tub (caveman brain)
Why does my 2yo insist on looking homeless when we leave the house?
me: [angrily flipping over table] I TOLD U I HATE BOARD GAMES U CHEATING LITTLE SHIT
daughter: once again, how does one cheat at hungry hungry hippos
let me get this straight… your last 2 wives “accidentally” got their heads chopped off
Kelly Ayotte says “Donald Trump is absolutely a role model for kids.” She’s right, kids don’t pay taxes either.
Thanks for nothing autocorrect, I’m never gonna get chicks being a “homeless romantic”.
No bond is stronger than two coworkers who hate the same person.
Me: I want to be sculpted like a Greek god
Plastic surgeon: We can help with-
Me: *opens mouth* Fill me with cement
My patronus is a cheeseburger
Probably the worst sound to hear is a crying baby because best case scenario there’s a baby in distress near you but if there isn’t then you’re about to face horrors beyond compare.
This is your brain.
*holds up a brain*
And this is your brain on drugs.
*holds up a brain wearing a weird hat and a scarf*
In about five years when a kindergarten teacher is taking attendance and calls out Thanos at least eight boys will say “here.”
[creating eyelashes]
God: Give them a row of stiff hairs to protect their eyes.
Angel: Alright.
God: But make the hairs occasionally turn traitor and try to destroy the very thing they’re supposed to protect.
Angel: Dude, wtf is wrong with you?
*1st date*
[be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
so where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
If you watch COPS backwards it’s just a bunch of people overcoming miraculous obstacles to win free drugs
[first date]
HER: I just love a man who’s not afraid to be honest.
ME: *trying to impress* You sound really stupid right now.
Watching a movie and this guy just shoved three dead bodies into a trunk and all I could think was, “That’s some serious storage. What kind of car is that?”
So my question to you is, do I have to start wearing New Balance and cargo shorts now?
Proper punctuation can be the difference between a tweet being well written and a tweet being well, written.
Yesterday was the shortest day of the year until I read your blog.
I shower with a suicide note in case I slip and die, at least I can make it look intentional instead of stupid.