Inside the heads of four JCrew models.
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I tried giving a gentle reminder to my kids about cleaning their rooms, but a megaphone works much better.
4: can I have two little muffins?
Me: how about I give you one and if you finish it, I’ll give you another one
4: no I want two NOWWWW
Me: let’s start with one
4: NOOOO TWOOOO
Me: just one
4: TWOOOO
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: FINE *gives her two*
4: *eats only one*
If you bring A TREE into the house, it must be climbed. Why are you so upset? You’re not being logical.
—cats in Christmas trees
Me: my point is, if you remove the potatoes from potato salad you aren’t left with salad
Deli Manager:
Me: so what else are you lying about
I could see how 2 deaf guys arguing would appear to be gang related.
My walk of shame is going back for a shopping cart after realizing I can’t carry 23 items in my arms through the store.
adulthood means trying to convince yourself the font is just too small and it isn’t your eyesight going bad
I was going to learn to play the violin, but it was too much of a commitment.
I wanted something with no strings attached.
Now responding to all “hello”
DMs with “Adele?”
I will turn off your post-apocalyptic movie the first time I spot a woman with shaved pits
first time in subway and the worker took a picture of my order 😭😭 am I doing this wrong
Convicted of murdering the English language, he was sentenced to death by elocution.
I was just complaining to myself about how lazy my daughter is until I realized she gets that from me so now it’s adorable and endearing, of course.
god: men, do u want pockets?
men: sure
god: u got it dude!
men: thank u!!! ❤️
god: women, do u want pockets?
women: yes!
god: lmao no
women: ????
god: kangaroos, do u want pockets?
kangaroos: yes pls
god: ok done
kangaroos: [already putting their kids in there]
Husband: You have a chip on your shoulder.
Me: You know that’s untrue because I would have already eaten it.
Please don’t ask me what I’m doing this weekend without first making it clear whether or not you’re going to invite me to something that I’m going to have to make up a lie to get out of
Me: I’m completely lost. What’s going on in this movie?
Him: Lin, I just hit play 90 seconds ago.
Me: Wow! New record.
I’m sorry but I strongly disagree
If cops used t-shirt guns instead of handguns they wouldn’t even need to tell criminals to put their hands up.
Me: The best thing about the day after a birthday is having cake for breakfast.
Kids: YAY! CAKE FOR BREAKFAST!
Me: I didn’t mean for you.
I got carded at the liquor store. While getting my ID out my Blockbuster card fell out. He laughed and said “Never mind.”
My first husband always hated it when I called him my first husband.
Fun prank:
Tell an English major how “impactful” something is.
If it comes down to Joe Biden vs Donald Trump we should just accept our fates & let a chili dog eating contest determine who’s president.
FYI to my fellow attorneys: If you ask someone if they can pass a drug test, and the person replies, “What KIND of drug test?”…the answer is NO, THAT PERSON CAN’T PASS A DRUG TEST.
are you comfortable? perfect, your kid needs something
grotesque if literal: baby food
Banker: So, you’d like a loan, to start an all marsupial fighting championship?
Me: Yes. I call it Mortal Wombat.
Banker:
Me:
Banker: I’m in.
“Pull over! Get out of the car slowly and let me see your shoes!” – fashion police
doctor: I may have to amputate your feet if we can’t stop the infection
me: are there any steps I can take
doctor: not after I’m done