[music store]
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: sir, that’s a mandolin
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Oh, when sharks grow an extra set of teeth it’s “cool” and “neat but when I do it it’s “what’s happening to that man’s face mommy?” and “why is he slinking back into the sewer mommy?”
Me, not making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
Me, making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
I snuggle with my sweetie boo and seductively ask, “Would you still think I’m cuddly without skin?”
If you drop your pants for a “surprise checkup” and hear your doctor’s belt buckle hit the floor, you should probably head for the hills
I like to put a banana in each pocket just to confuse people.
I never feel quite so uncertain as when I’m walking the dog and a neighbor driving by waves to me but my free hand has a bag of poop in it.
Lied on my résumé and got the hospital job. Hope performing surgery doesn’t come up.
*gets in the bus*
*Brings out earphones*
*untangles*
*arrives*
Of course I do cardio it’s called running from my problems, Gretchen.
Me; Right, some revision?
Son: K
Me: Start with chemistry?
Him: K
Me: Periodic table?
Him: K
Me:What’s the symbol for potassium?
Him: Dunno
i’m sorry this is an insane national puppy day brand interaction
If the US admits that Trump’s presidential campaign is a hoax then Australia will come clean about the platypus.
NETFLIX: Are you still watching?
Me: I’m trying, but you won’t let me use my neighbor’s sister’s ex-boyfriend’s password.
Oh that’s my brother, he has his own apartment upstairs
“Full House fans have found a 1993 episode of the show called “Be True To Your Preschool”. In it, Loughlin’s Aunt Becky stops Uncle Jesse (John Stamos) from lying to get their toddler twins into an ‘elite preschool'”
AAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA
Hey, I may not look like much right now, but believe me, in the morning I’ll look even worse.
Dr, “So you should continue to eat right, exercise, and get enough sleep.”
Me, “Continue?”
the warning on my razor says “for external use only” and now I have questions
The scariest sound is an unknown crash followed by my 9 year old yelling “It’s OK! There’s nothing wrong! You don’t need to come up here”
when i donate my body to science, they’ll be like ok do we have any other options?
M:$50 on the ginger with face tattoos
H: Ma’am those aren’t tattoos, they’re freckles and you can’t bet on a 6th grade spelling bee
My boss yelled at me for napping at work, even though I had a clearly posted “do not disturb” sign.
What if the weather talks about us?
Roses are red, my real name is Dave. This poem makes no sense, microwave.
{abducted by aliens}
Hey guys…what’s your wi-fi password?
3: Who’s that on your shirt?
Me: Yoda, from Star Wars.
3: I don’t like him.
Me: YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
*experiencing the extremely obvious consequences of my actions*
The universe is so mysterious
[At the stress test, staring at a treadmill]
Dr.: Just run at a speed where you can still talk normally.
*sits down on a chair*
Me: Okay.
Rather than vote, let’s all fill out the 29 dimensions of what we want in a president and let eHarmony decide.