A dad and his duck
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Boss: I don’t want to be disturbed today.
Me: I don’t want to be disturbed either yet here we are.
*eats half a pan of brownies while making salad for dinner*
In 8th grade, I had a crush on boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was going to switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
My IQ score says I’m intelligent. My dating history disagrees.
It is with a heavy heart that I announce I will no longer be accepting mayonnaise as a form of payment because SOME of you *glares at the crowd* made it weird.
#YouHadOneJob #SuperBowlXLIX
Do not worry.
I will take your secrets to my grave.
But, oh, how crowded it will be in the coffin.
Gave my family the wrong address for our beach rental. Hoping to get a couple days in before they find me.
Take a day off. Pamper yourself. Visit a spa. Pour melted wax on ur body. Rip the hair out by the roots. Inject poison into ur face. Relax.
[Watching “Alien” with my son]
Son: You can let go of my hand, dad. I’m not scared
Me: *shaking* Just a few more minutes, please.
DATING IN YOUR 20’S
“It’s not going to work out I don’t like the way he chews”
DATING IN YOUR 30’S
“It wasn’t even a felony and he was never convicted. Also living at home makes sense bc it allows him to be close to his mom & it’s walking distance to the Pizza Hut he works at”
Based on the amount of laundry I did today I have to assume there are people living in this house I haven’t met yet.
Me: Don’t fall in love with me doll face. I’m no good for you; I’m bad news.
Her: No problem. Here’s your change. Pull up to the next window.
“911, what’s the emergency?”
we were robbed. they stole the wireless router
“calm down”
also they shot my grandma or something. not sure
People stick up those “Baby on Board” signs as if their infant is somehow more precious than my 4-foot travel bong.
Me: you know in that remake of mad max where the blind dude is playing guitar on the spiky death metal car with flames shooting out of it and people are swinging around throwing spears?
Wedding Planner: what
I had two ribs removed so I could pet small dogs easier.
MARIE KONDO: does this empty box spark joy?
ME: yes
MK: and this old iPhone 4 box?
ME: yes
MK: and allll of these Amazon boxes? do they spark joy too?
ME: yes
MK: and this other one over here with all of these smaller boxes inside it?
ME: yes
Don’t open your heart to me. I’ll just put peanut butter in there.
I have a confession…
I don’t like Oreos.
And it feels so great getting that off my chest!
*blocked by all of Twitter*
ME: *smashes bottle into a ship*
MAN: Oh cool, what are you naming it?
ME: I’m not *smashes another bottle* I just hate ships
My kids do not talk to me like I’m their best chance of an organ donation.
HER: Did you see the lunar eclipse?
ME: I would miss Jesus Christ himself returning in a cloud of flames if it happened before 7 a.m.
My husband got a notification that “there’s a familiar face” at the door.
It was the Amazon delivery guy, y’all.
I found a lost dog whose tag said 905-555-4598. Who would name a dog that?
Not to brag, but a news anchor started following me today. She recognizes a disaster when she sees one.
Me: *climbing down* The best revenge is living in a well.
Friend: That’s not the saying!
Me: *shouting up* You’ll all be sorry!
flight attendant: as u can see the captain has turned on the no murdering sign
[guy next to me is still murdering someone]
me: um excuse me
On a scale of “glass half full” to “no plunger in your bathroom”, how optimistic are you?
My public school was so bad the only thing I know about Africa is Toto.