Harry Styles sounds like a made-up name that Big Foot would use to sneak into a fashion show.
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Doctor: So, what are you using for birth control?
Me: Usually black socks with sandals. Sometimes tighty whiteys…
Vulcans are space-elves.
Look at the ears.
Years ago I tried on my sister’s bra, couldn’t undo the clasp & was too embarrassed to ask for help. I’m still wearing it. I live in shame.
snow white broke into a house in the woods and did chores. wow, boring. goldilocks, the true hero, broke in to a house, made some judgements, and then took a nap. i have no notes
My neighbor told me his son watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth tomorrow?
[airplane intercom]
good afternoon ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking why did you leave without me
Sister: “Family shot time”
Me: “Whooo Hoooo….drink drink drink drink!”
Sister: [holds up camera]
“I want to take a picture”Me: oh
By today’s standards the butts in Sir Mix-a-Lot’s video weren’t really that big.
He liked medium butts.
So he lied.
Probably my favorite thing about zoom calls is when people are running late but have literally no excuse, so they’re just like “sorry I’m late I’m just very bad at managing my time and also I don’t want to be here”.
*bolts upright in bed, instantly wide awake in the middle of the night*
“FIRE TRUCKS SHOULD BE CALLED WATER TRUCKS”
damn girl are you calculus because I have no idea what youre talking about
Receptionist: the doctor can see you now
invisible man who’s also blind: who said that
receptionist: who said that
[feeding baby Malaysian food]
“Here comes the plane”
*makes plane noises**spoon just disappears*
Just said to my dog ‘excuse me, no, we don’t eat masking tape do we?’ I don’t know why I said ‘we’. Obviously I don’t eat masking tape. Just wanted to make her feel better I guess, like we’re in this decision together.
I’m not usually vengeful, but when I am it’s because someone gave my kid a whistle.
I’m fat, but not accidentally give birth in the Walmart bathroom because I didn’t know I was pregnant, fat.
[second date]
“April Fools”
*gets up and leaves
[you cannot sleep while there are enemies nearby!]
Me: lol buddy…
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Here-1 sided text conversation between me and my 18yo daughter because all I do is pick her up from places.
When a comedian knocks someone up, is it called kidding?
At last…. a TV interview that tackles the real issues (Andrew Weldon)
Salem during the 1600’s was great. If your woman pissed you off, you just tell people she’s a witch and they kill the bitch. For free.
Oh good. Another podcast set decorated with bobble heads. Remember when nerds had the the good manners to be ashamed of themselves?
Sorry girl, you know you were dating a bad boy *heads out to fight boss without saving or buying potions*
I got a Rubik’s Cube for my dog
#Itssocoldthat..A streaker froze in mid-streak! The town council just stuck a plaque on him and pretended he was a Greek statue until spring
They’re the worst 😩
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh here comes the tickle monster
My peeves aren’t pets. They’re family.