Saw a long chin hair and tried to pluck it with my nails but instead, curled it like a ribbon
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NICK CANNON: hello and welcome to america’s got talent
HAWK: [hiding his talons behind his back] i misunderstood the title of this show
9yo: Who took my hair tie?
Me: I didn’t.
9yo: I did not ask who didn’t.
two guys fighting over oars are just having a row it took me 3 hours to write this crap send tweet
I clicked on one of those DM messages
And now it burns when I tweet
Judge: I need you to digitize all of my case resolutions and then make backups, on a remote server.
Law clerk: You want me to cloud your judgements?
J: You’re in contempt.
My son works part time at McDonald’s and did a shift today. I asked him, as it’s Easter, if they were serving Hoppy Meals and he told me that he hopes he’s adopted.
“Think outside the toy box” -my kids bs excuse for why they didn’t clean up
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
14: hey dad- do you know what 9x9x9x9 is?
Me: I’m 40. I don’t need to know that anymore.
hi why am I like this
My wife is leaving me because of my obsession with ‘Star Wars’.
I said: May divorce be with you…
shout out to the women in the hot dog eating contest who ate 2 dogs in 5 minutes… no competitive streak no urgency just taking the stage for a light lunch
It wasn’t weird until my husband asked why I didn’t send him the nudes I made him take of me.
My 4 yr old niece is on the hyper side so my brother-in-law was trying to teach her about behaving and said “little girls are made of sugar and spice and what else?” and in her best batman voice she replied, “BLOOD AND BONES.”
Open-heart surgery is much simpler than most people realize. The key is not to get hung up on whether or not the patient survives.
A girl at work has the same shirt on as me, but I have a coffee stain down the front of mine, so it’s not awkward.
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching two real estate agents trying to eat a pigeon?
Accurate description of my life right now. My fitness instructor asked me,what type of squat are you accustom to doing?
I said ‘diddly’
Lambs: “BAAAAAAAAA!!!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhhhh!”
Lambs: “Baaaa!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhh…”
Lambs: “…”
Hannibal Lecter: “Much better.”
Sometimes I look at my kids and marvel at how brilliant they are, other times my 5 year old puts on a clean shirt without taking the dirty one off first.
When someone tells me how old their kid is in months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they know what I just went through.
I want to name my daughter Katie but that spelling is too common so I’ll spell it Potassiumatie.
Dad: Thanks for cleaning your room Emily. Unlike certain other children of mine, who will remain nameless.
Son: *eyes welling up* Please give me a name, I’m 17
My acting career began at a very early age, when my mom asked who broke the vase in the hallway.
The first Hobbit movie was half the book. The second, about a quarter. In the sixth instalment, the group has a 3 hour breakfast and a nap.
I can’t feel my face when I’m with you, but I love it.
Doctor: This is your third Botox appointment. That wasn’t even funny the first time.
I named all my Nest cameras “the bedroom”… now every time someone walks anywhere in my house my husband gets the notification “Nest noticed action in the bedroom “
8yo Me: *sneaks candy*
14yo Me: *sneaks cigarettes*
18yo Me: *sneaks alcohol*
43yo Me: *sneaks candy*Being an adult is stupid.
Christmas is great! You can sit on the lap of a total stranger and no one is offended.