me: [arriving in heaven] so did anybody cry at my funeral
god: oh actually your body is still in the ball pit
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It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.
-Me with beer, me without beer
Tween: Mom, can you take me to the mall to go to Abercrombie?
Me: Awe, I used to shop there when I was your age.
Tween: Nevermind.
The fact that the overhead camera in front of my office is fake doesn’t stop me from giving it the finger on the way out every day.
[First date]
Me: So what do you do?
Him: I’m an astronomer.
Me: [trying to impress] *moons him*
you’re legally allowed to steal anything from the doctor’s office if they leave you alone in the room for a minute
BFF: You better be dying calling me at 2 AM.
Me: This is important! If Kim Possible marries Ron Stoppable and take his last name does that change her ability to do anything?
BFF: I hate you.
[varnishing an old rocker]
keith richards: what the hell man
“I’m not falling for that again” I say as I’m about to fall for whatever that is, again
Every old house is haunted, but some ghosts are just clumsier than others.
I get really freakin pissed off when complete strangers ask me a lot of questions. So no… the job interview didn’t go very well.
me
Plastic surgeons offer a rhinoplasty menu so you can pick your nose.
My 4yo just asked me if I was there when we went to Disney 6 weeks ago for 5 days, so I’m obviously making a huge impact in her life.
A zombie jumped out at me, in a haunted house, but he didn’t scare me. He did, however, catch my elbow in his face.
After several Steven Segal films in a row, you’d think bad guys would know to avoid rooms that contain both him & a PoolTable
[In bed, finished watching rerun of “24”]
Me: Let’s role play. I’ll be Jack and you be a Russian operative.
Wife: Yes! But I want you to talk dirty to me.
Me [turning out the lights]: The following takes place between 10:00pm and 10:03pm
restaurants: hey kid. wanna color in some trees? a castle? some animals? grassy hills? here’s a blue and a red crayon.
*about to check bank account*
Me: “I’m guessing I should probably have about $200 left”
*bank account*: $3.64
Me:
Today my toddler is crying because he doesn’t have his stuffed animal. That he put in the fridge. And yelled at me for trying to take it out.
My grandma got this digital frame that all the family can remotely upload pics. I’m thinking of flooding it with John Wick pictures.
I’m a regular guy just like you. I put my pants on one leg at a time while thinking about how far I could throw each kind of bird while it sleeps.
BEACH BOYS: 🎶 Wouldn’t it be nice if we were older?
M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN: 🤔
My husband would NEVER cheat on me.
He’s too lazy
I’ve never literally been tortured but I have walked behind old people when I was in a hurry.
Was enjoying playing legos with my son until my wife tapped me on the shoulder and said he went outside an hour ago.
Me: this pot sucks
Wife: *surrendering any remaining hope of future joy* no the other kind of pot roast
[kicks in your door to apologize to you]
Me: Listen, I brush and I floss!! You won’t find anything!!
Cop: It’s not that kind of cavity search, ma’am.
Keanu Reeves stuck motionless on a horse forever because every time it starts to move he goes “whoa”.
[first date]
Me: don’t let her know you’re a lizard
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: (gets scared and loses my tail but I grow a new one)