my boss: Your emails are full of spelling errors. Please watch that
me: not today santa
You Might Also Like
Pulling out the ouija board at the office and asking Craig from accounting if I can hit up his widow
I believe we’re entering the ‘training for hell’ phase of summer.
Haven’t lost a game of chess in twenty years, mainly because I haven’t played in that long or what have you.
So my drug dealer just died. I’m thinking about going to his funeral to, you know, network.
When a new bird species visits your bird feeder
you know you’re related when you visit your cousin and find her crying because she dropped her cake pop.
Doctor: It doesn’t look good
Me: What? You haven’t even tested me for covid yet
Doctor: Judging by that outfit you’ve clearly lost your sense of taste
Perhaps the most promising opening in a textbook ever.
Executioner: final words?
Executionee:Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious
Er: you done?
Ee: didn’t buy me as much time as I thought actually.
My friend went out with a guy who works at Trader Joe’s and when she mentioned she likes the new brookie caramel candy clusters he said he didn’t want to talk about work 😅
Graduating from law school and immediately googling what can you do with a law degree
Her: I’m leaving you and going to my mothers.
Me: Hold on and I’ll come with you. I like to have a good meal for a change…
me: I wish for infinite wishes!
genie: ok
me: wait are you serious
genie: [exhaling cigarette] yeah I don’t give a shit
him: 911, what’s your emergency
me: a home invasion
him: can have a unit there in 10 minutes
me: they’re armed
him: 5 minutes
me: they switched my toilet paper from over to under
swat team: [already crashing thru the windows]
Attention: Due to inflation, people like you are now a dime and a nickel a dozen.
[at work party]
Hey Bill…weird, have you always been a scotch guy?
Bill (eating directly from tape dispenser): I stick with it.
Jim ate my sandwich.
It was clearly labeled.
Jim’s email is open on his PC.
Jim’s son now thinks he’s adopted.
The sandwich was LABELED.
I put the clean laundry pile on my bed so I’d be motivated to fold it and have a place to sleep. So after a few nights sleeping on the couch I started scooping all the laundry up in my quilt, setting it on the floor, then putting it back on the bed in the morning.
Boss: We’re going to replace you with a robot
Me: lol good luck getting a robot to match my performance
Boss: It’s broken and does nothing
Me: shit
It could have been love, but then I caught her putting a perfectly good steak in an air fryer.
Date: I decided to take a year to backpack across Europe before going back to Harvard Law.
Me: *eating spaghetti through a straw*
My friend showed me how they fixed the water stain on the ceiling in their office.
My daughter just straight up out of the blue said “daddy if you ever get shot I hope it’s in the belly so your fat will save you” WTF
– Are you even listening to me?
– Of course I am
– Ok, what did I just ask you?
– If I’m listening to you
5 year old: “That’s a big truck!”
“It’s a moving truck.”
“ALL TRUCKS MOVE.”
Why am I the one that feels like an idiot?
a murder on the dance floor would explain the panic! at the disco
Being unemployed has given me even more time to make up songs to sing to my cat.
If you want to hear an elderly couple arguing for 2 hrs about whether they closed their garage door, go to a movie at 11AM on a weekday.
Donald Trump is like the “Scream” movies in that he blurs the line between comedy and horror.