Auto correct changed “dingo” into “condom” which is still accurate. The condom did kind of eat my baby. All my babies.
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Deep down, we’re all that one lady in 7-11 with her bathrobe on.
Guys, have you ever become so fed up trying to undo a bra that you wished you hadn’t put one on in the first place?
i don’t delete messages just incase someone wanna lie about may 20th 1984
How do I rate our solar system?
One star
Whenever I go grocery shopping I make sure I’m stuck behind the people who have never seen food on shelves before.
As highly as it’s esteemed, the Mayo Clinic still sounds like the place sick sandwiches go to get better.
Dear men,
Keep giving her little surprises to keep the romance alive in your relationship.
Buy flowers for her for no reason.
Bring her breakfast in bed.
Throw a snake at her face while she’s driving.
Imagine being all knowing and still putting a snake in charge of apples
Her: You act like the Earth revolves around you.
Sun: *sigh* OK, Karen. Let’s go through this one more time.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He wore the grin of a man who has never fallen off a ladder. His knees felt like reheated custard.
One time I drove to the gym and just sat in the car and listened to music. My gym is right next to a bakery and the smell of it lured me out and I went in and got a buttered bagel. I sat in my car eating my bagel watching people go in and out of the gym.
(McDonald’s bathroom)
*pulls away from kissing*
You’re better than my mirror at home
Adopt your boss.
They can’t tell you what to do if they’re grounded.
CANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT THE LAST 4 TIMES:
-Sad
-Embarrassing
-Pretended it was a scheduling issue but they knew I was lyingCANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT TODAY:
-Brave
-Iconic
-Protecting the world by not letting a stranger put his fingers in my mouth
My work mom text me and asked what I was doing so uI told her I’m doing my nightly Indeed 30 job applications. I told her I’m applying for everything, qualified or not, shit, I just applied to NASA and I don’t even like to fly or astronaut ice cream
Him: why doesn’t anyone want me?
Me: I want you.
Him: why doesn’t anyone else want me?
I Googled “Books for women in their 30s.” One of the results said “Books for women late in life.” I’m in my 30s, not moving to a retirement home.
I like to think my essence leaves my body at night, and walks the lonely streets trying to eat custard with chopsticks.
1985: “I hope we’ll have flying cars in the future!”
2017: “I just used the flashlight on my cell phone to look for spiders under my bed.”
*notices keys/wallet/pills in a weird place*
Other people: I should put that back where it belongs
Me: I’ll definitely remember that it’s there next time I look for it
Interviewer: What skills can you bring to this company?
Me: I can kill a spider without screaming.
Interviewer: Your office will be next to mine.
Does anybody want a cat? Free to a good or average home
*breaks into a McDonald’s at 2:00 am*
*fixes the ice cream machine*
Parenting makes total sense when you’re doing it but probably seems weird from the outside. My wife just hid a pair of my toddler’s pants because ‘they were too much drama’ and that explanation seemed totally reasonable to me.
i just think if i chewed lava quick enough it wouldn’t be too bad
May never get over this
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
The last time I was 100% sure about a decision was in 3rd grade, and that box of 64 crayons with the built in sharpener didn’t disappoint.
COP: Know why I stopped you?
MAN IN A RESTAURANT EATING FRIED CHICKEN: Huh?
COP: You’re using a knife and fork. Step away from the chicken
Watch Forrest Gump
*feel inspired
*toss orthotics out, go for jog
*1/2 block later, keel over and die next to shit happens bumper sticker