Me: His breathing annoys me. Always with the in and out and back in again. Like, enough already.
Marriage Counsellor: …
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Na Fa Fo Na Na Fo Fo -Sassy black girl giving me her digits.
The bad news is, I’ve failed yet again to poach eggs. The good news is, in my attempts I’ve discovered how to turn lead into gold.
Stop picking up fawns.
You are not a Disney princess.
And even if you are, don’t.
My dog’s pissed cos I buy him Senior food. He won’t admit he’s older now. So I scratch out the “i” on each can & tell him it’s Mexican food.
Love means never having to say you’re sorry for accidentally bringing home six more cats.
Let this be a lesson to everyone: If you love someone, set them free to get married and then divorced and then have a series of mid life crisis relationships and get an embarrassing back tattoo and if they come back it was meant to be
Me: this a rush song?
Bartender: yeah, you a fan?
Me: does this answer your questions? *lifts shirt to reveal giant tattoo that says “no”*
[Later, Snake sees a Lizard]
Snake (to God): DUDE! Seriously??
*God and Lizard high-five, adding insult to injury*
The difference between your husband and your Netflix account is, over time, your Netflix account learns what you like.
mafia boss: “i want you to send tony the rat a message”
me: “like what”
mafia boss: “a horses head or sumthin”
me: [sends txt: “hey tony 🐴”]
The neighbor’s 5yo keeps yelling “are we boyfriend and girlfriend” across the fence at my 5yo, and my kid just came running in the house and slammed the door, so I guess that answers that
Dog: [sound asleep, eyes rolled back in head, legs twitching from dream]
Me: [momentarily thinks about peanut butter]
Dog: [waiting in kitchen with spoon]
Who is that walking up my driveway?!
Anxiety in 3…2…1…
[knock, knock]
*sigh*
“WAIT A SECOND!” *mumbles* “I need to find pants.”
my car is dead & i saw a dead spider under the hood so like, do i need a new spider? i dont know a lot about how cars work
Plot twist:
“Luke, I am your Mother.” – Yoda
Robbing a bank and getting away in a hot air balloon is on my bucket list.
My husband and I are very compatible.
He’s a problem solver and I have lots of them.
Nine out of ten dentist recommend you renew your car warranty or your girl won’t do that thing you like!!!
oh yeah, well can AI do this?
*eats 7 deviled eggs at the cookout*
Instead of onlyfans I spend all my money on onlyfood
My 11yo just told me the assignment is “mandatoryish” so he doesn’t actually NEED to do it.
Politics would be a lot more fun if Congress had an open bar.
Lifeguard is the weirdest job. Like hey, you’re 16 years old, make sure no one dies.
i dont have time for this
kid: i need pencils for school
me: what kind
kid: number 2
[later at the store]
me: do you have any shit pencils
Gave our gerbil a piece of kale from the garden. Now it’s complaining about gluten and begging for its own little pair of Uggs.
i baked you a cake
I like to stand next to a stranger on the elevator and whisper, “I read what you said on the internet.”
Last night, I hid the Oreos under my son’s folded clothes in a basket and asked him to put it away… which he SWEARS he did.
Now he’s standing in front of the pantry freaking out that the Oreos are gone. Who wants to tell him?
If dog hair were a commodity, I’d be tweeting this from my yacht.