What do the films Titanic & the 6th sense have in common?
Icy dead people…
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me: time to hit the hay
wife: you’re going to bed?
me: no i just really *clenches fists* hate hay
Sorry I called you “sexy” and didn’t really mean it, but I was hungry and you were a mirage of pizza.
I made a grown man cry today in court.
But yet I can’t get my kids to clean their damn rooms.
Boyfriend: you want to go see the new Star Wars?
Me: I LOVE STAR WARS
BF: which was your fav
Me: duh, Sorcerer’s Stone
“Well gentlemen… the steaks are high.”
*two steaks giggle*
“Hehehe omfg he totally knows, man…”
I don’t understand how planes work and I’m scared if I think about it too hard the plane will also realise it doesn’t make sense and drop out of the sky 🙁
It’s like my Grandma always says, “I died three years ago. This is starting to get weird.”
Sasquatch: *squinting* Nah, I still don’t believe that’s Kate.
The worst part about having PMS in the winter is the ground is too frozen to bury the bodies.
“I’m leaving you”
“why?”
“Your jokes are old and tiresome”
“but, I can updog”
“What’s updog?”
“NOTHIN, WHAT’S UP WI-”
*slams door*
me, as a child: *walks into the kitchen covered in my own blood holding a rabbit I fought from a hawk*
my mom, on the phone: *mouthing* I’m on the phone
Him: *down on one knee*
Will you marry me?Me: Nah, I’m good, but…
(puts up hand up to high five) thanks for asking!
Another day of explaining to mom that New York is big and the footage she saw wasn’t shot on my street.
I really have to stop ending sentences with, “you’ll be sorry, you will all be sorry!”
Eulogies are just goth stand-up.
Don’t spend money on body modification. If you wait long enough, your body modifies itself for free.
my son is also my best friend (huge mix up at the adoption agency)
An app that lets you book a house without the owner’s permission, call it AirBnE
Me: I did pretty well. I left with four kids, and I came back with four kids.
Wife: The same four kids?
Me: I’ll be right back.
Did you hear about how people in Athens don’t even wake up until noon?
They say dawn is pretty tough on Greece.
Florida be like…
5-year-old: Why do you do chores if you don’t like to?
Me: The same reason you eat your vegetables.
5: Because Mom is scary?
Bingo.
Toddler boy: worry about them eating enough.
Teen boy: worry about them leaving you something to eat.
[McDonald’s]
CUSTOMER: small coke please
WORKER: for the same price you can get every single thing in the world
CUSTOMER: oh
WORKER: so do you want that
CUSTOMER: yes
WORKER: what else
[me narrating a documentary about the pyramids]
I really want a Toblerone for some reason.
strapless bras are cool cause by the end of the night you have a new belt
must be a load-bearing face plate. don’t want it coming loose.
“Whatcha doin’, Phil?”
“Some guy on the internet says he’ll pay fifty bucks a pop for beaver shots.”
Indian Twitter is a lot like regular Twitter except everyone is misquoting Gandhi instead of Marilyn Monroe.