My kid put the toilet paper facing the wrong way so she’s homeless now.
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I told the bartender, “surprise me,” and he gave me ice water.
It’s so disorienting to eat a shrimp and gain it’s memories
I accidentally killed another cactus & now one of my plants is trying to grow towards the phone to call 911.
Mom’s out of town, so I suggested we get ice cream for dinner and the kids said no.
I’m totally failing parenting
Our daughter ran away from home
once when she was a teenager.We were frantic.
Within months, we called the police
to report her missing.
You wouldn’t hate anything about yourself if the world hadn’t taught you how.
Life is like a box of chocolates,
The good ones are always gone before I get there!
Over the past month I’ve been losing my hoodies/sweaters/etc. Today I found all of them under my bed. Turns out I’ve been taking them off in my sleep when I’m too hot and shoving them behind me into the gap between my mattress and headboard
Cute Red panda trying to scare off a stone , by standing..
ME: it’s horrible. I would wish it on my worst enemy
GUY: you mean *wouldn’t*
ME: hahahahahaha you’re sweet
Her: Explain Twitter to me
Me: Know what sharks did to the Indianapolis’ crew when it sank?
H: Yes
Me: Much the same, just less compassion
i was once in a long-distance relationship and she called me one day crying and admitted she’d cheated on me, and i should have broken it off then but i was young and smitten so i said “it’s ok, i forgive you, just promise you won’t do it again” and she said “no”
*gets home from game*
“whoa what happened to your eye”
I was on the Kiss Cam
“oh she wasn’t into it?”
with the t-shirt cannon guy’s daughter
Did you ever wonder what happened to He-Man to make him get bangs?
Only 2 kids made it out of my Jedi class.
One killed the padawans.
The other was abandoned in the desert
I’m dreading that class reunion.
[stuck at home]
son: omg so bored
daughter: omg so bored
wife: omg so bored
me: omg so bored
dog: this is the greatest day of my life
I always keep pepper spray in my purse, you know, in case someone tries to attack me or make small talk
10: “What are we doing today?
Me: “We’re gonna make tacos.”
10: “Then what are we going to do?”
Me: “…I’ll be eating tacos.”
Daddy Longlegs: Proof you need to settle your inner demons before naming animals.
This looks nothing like what I ordered…
WTF is this????
Your table is ready. Samantha will show you to your table by speed walking through our busy dining room. we will lose some of you in the process.
Do ghosts call their girlfriends “boo”? Bet all that gets pretty confusing.
Pride of lions? Murder of crows? They got nothin’ on a craze of kids.
My wife tried imitating the weird groaning sound her car is making, and all three auto mechanics asked her out.
Attention people with multiple people in your avi’s:
Draw an arrow pointing to yourself, OR replace it with a cat.
Thanks,
The rest of us
You’re over 40. You HAVE glasses but WHERE are they?
Evidence that I have the right to be silent and get drunk at 8:17am:
Kids are painting the dog in the living room.
I think people who use “go fly a kite” as an insult don’t really understand kites or insults.
*filling out preschool form*
1st child: She knows all of the letters and numbers.
2nd child: He knows all of the colors.
3rd child: She knows all of the swear words.
*glow-in-the-dark vampire approaches*
ME: *trembling* Phospheratu?