ABC family: Halloween Harry Potter marathon
Me: love it
ABC: Christmas Harry Potter marathon
Me: I guess there are some Christmas scenes
ABC: Thanksgiving Harry Potter marathon
Me: that’s an amer-
ABC: national girlfriend day Harry Potter marathon
Me: goddammit
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my brain: eat
me: okay, what should we make
my brain: no make, only eat
Me: I taught the dog to say the 7 deadly sins
Wife: No you didn’t
Dog: Ruff
Me: See, wrath!
Wife: He said ruff! You can’t teach a dog to
Dog: Gluttony
Wife: Holy shit
My credit score is a family of raccoons hissing over a McRib.
Me: *clicks on YouTube video to learn how to do something I’ve never done*
YouTube video: In this 30 minute video-
Me: I can take it from here.
I like to just appear out of nowhere and say, “this looks like a job for a binder clip.”
Ex-wife died in a car wreck yesterday. Didn’t send flowers, thought might be weird to the family. That and didnt know other drivers address.
I love how science fiction movies skip right to the fiction part.
All I’m saying is the babysitters club made me think taking care of kids would be a lot more fun
So many things changing daily.
For example, now DTF stands for Don’t Touch my Face.
Interviewer: It says here on your resume you can make chicks laugh, how?
Me [holding a chick in my hand & tickling it]: I’m a miracle worker
Home alone tonight
The fridge is making weird noises
I think the beer wants out….
If babies named Todd don’t call themselves “The Toddler” then what’s the point of having a douchebag baby name like Todd?
I’m swilling port like a British butler who had a rough afternoon at the races.
I had abstinence-only sex education when I was in high school.
It was called Dungeons and Dragons.
It makes me a little sad that shaking a vending machine might be the closest I ever come to fighting a robot.
I found love at ninja school.
Yeah it just crept up on me and totally took me by surprise.
They say all dogs eventually look like their owners……..that’s unfortunate for your dog
Caterpillar: no legs wtf how do I get around?
God: *wearing bird mask* BOO
Caterpillar: o000ö
God: haha jk it’s just me
Caterpillar: oOOOö
God: SEE YOU’RE DOING IT
when i was 12 i read lingerie like it’s spelled and everyone started laughing and they were like “haha LINGERIE? it’s *lauwnzhoureigh” and i was like ?? how am i the idiot in this situation? sorry i actually know how to read. sorry i don’t just make up sounds when i see letters.
Ever say hi to someone and immediately regret it because now you know you have to say hi to them forever?
Maybe Bowser is mad at Mario because he’s terrible at plumbing, flooded with castle with lava, and left exposed unfinished pipes everywhere…
me [after losing a rap battle]: I should have worn a hat
friend: yeah he really locked in on your side pony
I once dated a woman that said I used to much garlic and I got rid of that vampire right quick
BOUNCER: I’m sorry miss, you are too drunk to come in.
ME: [lifting shirt] initiate Care Bear Stare!
BOUNCER: Oh, my mistake
ME: [smiling proudly]
BOUNCER: I’m sorry SIR, you are too drunk to come in.
Last week I ran out of toilet paper and only had a dollar so I bought a pack of gum at CVS.
I haven’t run out of receipt yet.
I can’t wait for thanksgiving. It’s an election year so that means there will be at least 4 fist fights and someone’s getting disowned.
#Caturday
I wish ‘You idiot.’ was an appropriate way to end a work email.
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
I make poor decisions
“Can you explain?”
Sure, but let’s do some shots first
Me: what will you trade me for my Soul
Devil: dude I am NOT buying your KIA