Cop: Is there a reason why you’re going so fast?
My 8 year old from the back seat: She said the flux capacitor won’t work unless you go 88mph!
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my five year old was struggling getting his seat belt buckled. He tried multiple times unsuccessfully to get the tab into the buckle and yelled “it’s like they broke up!”
Moms are dying for the day they build a daycare inside a spa inside a Xanax factory inside a vineyard.
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy Derek charge his wife for martinis
me: [putting socks on after sex]
her: now you have two pairs on
Me: I’d kill for a donut
Donut: Whoa I said I was angry, I never said I wanted them dead
I can see the appeal of golf, the only sport where the winner is the one who does the least.
Kids these days won’t get the trauma of passing notes in class and hoping nobody reads it until it reaches the recipient.
Guys, stop comparing Trump to Hitler. He thinks it’s a compliment. Call him a middle-aged woman or a peaceful Muslim.
When someone tells me to ‘Take Care’ I’m all like: Are you threatening me muthafucker? Then we laugh & laugh & then I kill’em, just in case.
Whenever another guy is checking out my wife, I like to stare back at him until he notices me, and then mouth the words “help me”
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* WHAT IS THE SOUP OF THE DAY
A bank safety deposit box may seem extreme, but you don’t understand how hard it is to hide a box of Girl Scout cookies from my family.
The enema of your enema is your friend!
~ Autocorrect wisdom
Imitation is the sincerest form of crabmeat.
I taught my kid the importance of stop, drop and roll at an early age. Now he never blocks my view of the television.
That awkward moment when someone is cooking fish in the office and all the girls begin sniffing themselves.
KING: Behind one door waits a viscous tiger; behind the other, a fair lady. Now the prisoner must choose!
ME: Hey, if I open them both, will the tiger just eat the lady?
KING: That’s not… you don’t… c’mon, man.
all my demons came for free. these must be organic.
*takes construction hat to vet*
Please help. My turtle hasn’t moved in 8 years.
5: Dad, can you get me pasta?
Me: Ah, we don’t have any.
5: That’s ok, you can make some, I don’t mind waiting.
My husband thought that it was funny to add his name to the bottom of my to-do list, but the joke’s on him because I’m only doing 1 chore a day in the order that I wrote them and he’s number 26.
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
devastated to announce I did not win the mega millions so I will be at work on monday
Not only was my brother not mad when I backed into his Porsche, he even invited me camping and said to bring a shovel. Whew!
Just found seven Easter eggs while putting up Halloween decorations.
Passive aggressive has never been my thing, I prefer chasing you with a chainsaw.
Deck the halls
Patio the foyer
Balcony the den
Porch the bathroom
Am I doing this right?
Went to my niece’s elementary school field day last week.
I won every single event.
Every. Single. Event.
Ever been in a mutual muting? Beauty is, you’d never know.