SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT DOGS COOKING PIZZAS
SE: -on your sub?
ME: PUPPERONI
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Be a good dad
When your son wants to play catch, do it
When he needs a hug, give one
When he wants to play drums, tell him his mom said no
My 5 year old brother said “when I’m older I won’t have a GF, I’ll live on my own like my big brother”
YEAH CAUSE THAT’S TOTALLY A CHOICE
Stop bringing shitty Bluetooth speakers on hikes. No one came to the woods to hear you listen to Katy Perry
One difference between Men & Women is nicknames.
Woman: This is Michelle, we call her Shelly
Man: This is Johnny, we call him Long Nuts
Go down a water slide without water and you’ll understand why foreplay is so important.
Me: what is my final challenge
*dragon appears*
Me: oh no
Dragon: spell necessary
Me: OH NO
My husband had an affair in my dream, but I still love him. And if I ever talk to him again, I’ll tell him.
My wife suggested taking Ecstasy to help with sex and so far she’s banged three neighbors and the UPS guy
There are so many firsts you can still experience at 40! Like finding your first chin hairs and having your first colonoscopy!
Detective: how were u able to do it?
Serial Killer: thanks to the flexibility of Uber. I was able to work my own hours and still murder
Went to Target to look at discounted Christmas stuff but apparently it’s Valentine’s Day now.
Eggnostic is when you don’t know which came first, the chicken or the egg
I embrace aging gracefully
And bitterly
With good humor
And rage
Man: *shaking collection tin* please sir, for alcoholics
Me: *taking the tin* wow, that’sh sho kind, thankshh!
I remember when rollercoasters were fun, not a daily emotional existence.
My kid : mum lets buy something we can play together – skipping rope?
Me *buys snakes and ladders board game*
Archbishop: If anyone objects to this wedding…
Prince William: Me! Meghan, I adore you!
Prince Harry: Wut?!!! I adore her!Spin Doctors whip out their instruments & huddle together: okay, guys… we’ve been training for this our whole lives!
Me: *holds up my phone showing my tweet has a total of 6 favorites*
Bouncer: you still can’t go in
I once matched with a guy on a dating app who had climbed Mount Everest. Twice. And he was still single. Using an app. That’s how hard dating is holy shit
Hi, I would like to file a complaint against everything.
“wait..so its a face transplant”
“yes”
“but his voice’
“your voice is tied to your face how u look is how u sound this is just science”
“ok nic cage”
me: hi, I have no power at my house
power company: ok, when did it happen
me: probably when we had kids, but it was a gradual shift
“Don’t sit down and wait for the opportunities to come. Get up and make them.”
*sandwiches
My current wife doesn’t like my use of adjectives
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
The 4 Major Types of Twitter DMs:
Sup
Hello dear
Thanks for the follow!
Would you rather die at the hands of a koala or kangaroo?
cellmate: how did you get here
me: i took the train
cellmate: no i mean what did you do
me: i just told you
What kind of car did the electrician drive? A volts-wagon
Me: THE DEVIL KICKED JOHNNYS ASS! HE DONT APPRECIATE THE GOLDEN FIDDLE
Cop: *megaphone* UR SO WRONG- oh sorry chief- LET THE HOSTAGES GO
you’re telling me this bread has monkey in it?