Newborns cry because they’re being evicted
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We’re gathered here today to mourn the loss of Derek. His last words were “Watch me try and keep my eyes open while sneezing!”
Me, before kids: my kids will not spend their time on electronics.
Me, after kids: iPad is your mom now.
Doctor: *eyes wide*
Me: let me start by saying it seemed like a good idea at the time
I like how Subway sells “healthy footlong” sandwiches, as if anything is healthy when you’re eating it by the foot.
I have never ONCE dropped a roll of toilet paper without it dramatically unrolling half of itself
How depressed are you on a scale from 1 to “regularly visits song lyrics websites”?
Wouldn’t it have made more sense if Al Gore claimed he invented the Algorithm?
I really just spent $40 on a costume for my dog so I can win a work pet costume contest for a $10 coffee gift card.
Do I regret it? Nope. Karen from accounting and her cat are going down
I’m sure a spider is never scrutinized for spending too much time on the web.
date: can you ask the waiter if he has chicken legs
me: *quietly* no, it’s probably just the way he walks
Boss: Are you drinking at your desk?
Me: Yes, because it’s too hot outside.
I did a tarot card tweet once and it bombed. Guess I should’ve seen that coming.
You are what you delete.
Whoever decided on spelling “biscuit” really needs to get their shuit together.
This is why I hate group projects
Eddie’s only other nemesis is our standard poodle, Charlie. Eddie has hated Charlie since he was a pup who mocked Eddie by being faster than him (see video from 7 yrs ago). Since then, Eddie has chased Charlie relentlessly, although Charlie has no idea he’s being chased.
You vacation in America but you refuse to tip? Well what if I came to France but refused to genuflect before the town cheese wheel?
“Are… are you sure you know what an elephant looks like?“
“Of course, why do you ask?“
well, Sam. It’s been a helluva day. A helluva day! Hit me, again.
Would love to do a Trump family sitcom, but would have to make up a character to be “the smart one”
Hey Walmart, don’t be pissed at me for not scanning everything
you literally gave me zero training before promoting me to cashier.
Pro of being an adult, I can eat a whole cake, and no one can stop me
Con of being an adult, I ate a whole cake and no one stopped me.
Now I feel sick
– What was high school like for you?
*2h22m later
– That was just the plot to Shawshank Redemption
Me: Granted, the similarities are uncanny
My brother & I’ve competed for title of family black sheep for yrs.
He checked in at a strip-club…on FB.Well played brother, well played
Throwback to this Gorilla in a pool dancing to Maniac.
I simply point out, might not a warm piece of buttery toast have the same restorative effect as the cigarette to the smoker? And yet when I ask for a Toast Break I am laughed at . . .
Welcome to your fifties; you have a favourite hip now.
I wish I was the morning person whichever one of my personalities makes 7am appointments believes I am.
Bikini season is just around the corner, unfortunately so is Dairy Queen. 🙄
You can’t hurt my feelings, pffft, I have three kids