Not to brag but my Motorola flip top phone still has the same full charge since 96′
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2night’s funniest bit: a fellow comic enters the room &, given a choice between talking w/ me & w/ a homeless man, chooses the homeless man.
Why are people still calling my phone I thought we covered this at orientation…
ME: I have an announcement… I’M GOING TO BE A FATHER!
FRIEND: Congratulations! When is the due date?
ME: In a few years, as soon as I graduate from priest school.
I don’t often get suspicious,but squirrels rubbing their tiny hands together? I worry they won the lottery & hired a good hit & run attorney
you don’t need to go to a workshop to build a bear, most of the time you don’t even need to build a bear.
Just because I am an Italian American doesn’t mean my family is in the mob….
It means we used to be.
Unless you and your family were attacked by Bigfoot, then no, I don’t want to see your camping pictures.
Snake: Oh shit it’s a wolf we gotta run
Armadillo: Go on without me
Snake: no just-
Armadillo: @
Snake: Wait where the hell are you
Armadillo: @
It’s tough getting user casket reviews
beware of dog
landlords thinking they deserve a tip is actually crazy
Just blocked a guy for accusing me of being “all talk”. On Twitter.
My only crime was love. And 6 different murders in 3 different states. Also some criminal mischief. Tbh it was a pretty rough week.
You, idiot: Bill Gates
Me, a genius: Invoice Doors
I’m following around cop cars all day to let them know how it feels.
God: *inventing the elephant* let’s just move all the dials to maximum and see what happens
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
It doesn’t matter how old you get, buying snacks for a road trip should always look like an unsupervised 9-year-old was given $100.
You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take and 98% of the ones you do. Maybe this is not your sport.
Today’s Google Searches, Thanksgiving Edition:
Wife: Have you seen my stilettos?
Me [6 inches taller and struggling to stand]: Uh *stumble* No
imagine teaching an egg cooking class and finding out you have a student named shelly
Tell the Starbucks barista that your name is Voldemort. Watch for those who don’t flinch when the name is called. They will be your allies.
Me: Not today, Satan.
Her: Mom, stop calling me that.
Crime would drop to 0% if police uniforms were scary clown costumes. “Put your hands up and state your favorite balloon animal!”
well, that freaky sound coming from the basement was just the pipes going wonky
of course, I didn’t have a basement this morning, so that’s a whole different problem
It has been 3 years since Monday.
There we are, nodding away when my kid’s swim instructor gives her exercises to work on at home, like the big ol’ liars we are.
What’s the difference between a lentil and a chickpea?
Trump wouldn’t pay $1000 to have a lentil on his face.
#watersportsgate #goldenshower