the human only brought one little bag. on our walk. so naturally. i had to poop twice. they are in shambles
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Saying no thanks to a CW’s offer to hit me with their car so I could take the day off proves decisions shouldn’t be made before coffee
*therapist writes in pad*
Me: Sometimes I feel like people don’t notice me-
*therapist jumps*
Therapist: SHIT! HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN THERE?
Me: I dangle gummy worms out of my bathing suit bottoms and wear a sign that says, “Early bird gets the worm.”
Priest: Super weird, but not a sin.
Went outside. Touched grass. Got bit by bugs. Zero stars
8 yr old: Mom, what do you want to be?
Me: Single, living in Bahamas, no kids, maybe operate a little dive shop, driv–
8: I mean for Halloween
Me: Oh, I don’t know I haven’t really thought about it
Me: Ok I’m just gonna lay down for like 15 minutes.
[11 Days later]
Oh no
Kids playing baseball in the backyard really hits home. Usually on a window.
Your eyes may say yes, but your eyebrows are screaming “I will boil your bunny the minute you ignore me!”
Me: Well, basically it sounds like when you’re crouching in an abandoned building on a remote planet in the future and a Cylon is scanning for your presence to destroy you.
Dishwasher Repair Man: That will be $200.
to remove a tick first light a candle then slowly and carefully invite it to join you for a nice rare steak
Wife: Why can’t you just say phrases correctly?!
Me: Well aren’t you a ray of sunscreen.
I’m in line behind a lady with 100 coupons so come visit me in jail, OK?
Me: We’ve eaten nonstop for four straight days.
Wife: I know. It’s awful.
Me: So… we can either eat AGAIN— or we could go into the other room and burn a few calories…
Wife: I’ll preheat the oven.
*Ok, don’t let them know you’re a dog*
Him: The job is yours. Here’s the keys to your new office. [tosses keys]
*catches keys in my mouth*
When the chips are down, don’t worry. The dog will get em.
Looking up the guy who’s running at me progressively faster
[inventor of edible arrangements] sorry for your loss, but you look like you enjoy throwing fruit away
My husband is looking for the remote control. I need everyone to stand up for a minute.
I am buying these mints because they are more violent than other mints
If I ever get a dog I’m going to teach him how to fetch useful things like tv remotes, iPhones and men who like red wine.
Daddy, where do oranges come from?
Well son, when a red and a yellow really love each other…
I am patiently waiting for your email
Ten out of six people don’t understand how surveys work.
Man to Psychiatrist; Dr I’m very depressed, all my 3 sons want to grow up and want to be valets.
Psychiatrist; This is the strangest case of Parking sons disease I’ve come across.
WIFE: I just read an article on why women live longer than men.
ME: *trying to do a handstand in the shower* WHAT’S THAT BABE??
Bananas either ripen in 2 hours or 2 weeks there is no in between
“Why KFC calling you at 1:36am?
Tonight I yelled, “YOU ARE NOT A ZOMBIE. YOU ARE DOING HOMEWORK,” so everything’s pretty normal here.
One time I went on the Hulk rollercoaster and had maybe the best picture ever taken of me
You say illegal, I say added to my bucket list.