GF: “Call me ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
Me: “Hi ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
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When I say “wow, that’s crazy”, 99 percent of the time, it means I haven’t been listening to a word of your conversation.
Would bet there’s a math equation that can tell how many kids a person has by measuring the amount of Cheerios on the floor of their car …
I gave brutally honest script notes to a close friend and he really respected me for ending the friendship.
My boyfriend took me to dinner and insisted I order my food in a robot voice, so I took him to bed and insisted he make Chewbacca noises.
My daughter is angry that I won’t let her eat icicles hanging off our house, like I’m some kind of monster for denying her a gutter sucker.
Buy a ticket to Finding Dory and yell “She’s right there!” every time she comes on the screen until you’re escorted out of the theater.
me: hey, cute dog, what’s his name
guy w/ dog: Robert
me: Robert
guy: yeah
me: [grabs him by shirt] wtf is wrong with you
Not Wordle. Just a cactus.
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Releasing a bunch of snakes in my neighborhood because I feel like the chatter on NextDoor is getting a little stale.
Fruit doesn’t belong in ice cream. You’re eating the ice cream to get away from that.
People who tell you to get your kids to help don’t understand how kids work
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Do you think his parents looked at him as a baby and said “You look like an Engelbert Humperdinck”?
7: “By the year 2057 the oceans will be nothing but trash.”
Me: “Wow, I had no idea. Pretty smart, bud.”
Wife: “You know so many important facts, sweetie.”
*silence*
*3 looks at each of us*3: “Did you know there’s also pink lemonade?”
*crawls into windowless creeper van*
One kidnapping, please.
Mornin
I texted my ex,
I’m at a cemetery…..
wish you were here.
If elves make shoes, cookies and toys, why don’t we put them in charge of more stuff
Ok, but like, how married are you?
People really don’t fall in wells like they used to.
NASA: we’re sending astronauts back to the moon
Me: good, return them to their natural habitat
Sir Im sorry I rear ended you but I was focused on not accidentally eating a purple jelly bean and you’re handling this really insensitively
It’s not sexual harassment unless I don’t get the raise I was promised.
I put the p in pants.
Chicken pot pie sounds like such a good idea. If you add commas.
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
Blowing kisses to my coworkers so that nobody talks to me today
My husband watched me clean the entire house today, and then asked me if I had a relaxing day.
I get why the spouse is the first suspect.
Oh, you’ve got 99 problems?
Amateur.
me: [getting murdered]
murderer: [murdering]
murderer’s mom: you’re wearing that to do murder?
murderer: unbelievable
This day in history. 2008. The entire staff of the Canadian Oxford Dictionary was fired. Now damned if I know if it’s moustache or mustache.