After I use the restroom, I thoughtfully put the seat back down and also close the lid and place a heavy object on top to contain any intruding snakes.
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It looks like the world forgot to take its meds again.
I went on a walk today through a hiking trail. And I can’t be certain, but I think nature touched me. It was gross.
“Holy infant so tender and mild.”
-cannibals
Just printed out 50 copies of today’s weather forecast to carry around with me today because I’m just not in the mood for small talk.
Email subject line: “Your invited.” Thanks, I’ll bring an apostrophe and an e.
What do the movies Titanic and the Sixth Sense have in common? I see dead people. Get it? Icy dead people?
Happy Dad Joke weekend
Hey babe i wanted to marry you but i had to ask your dad first and he said yes so i guess i’m marrying your dad
It’s really only a Supreme Court if it comes with sour cream.
I grounded my kid from electronics for a week and now he won’t stop talking to me and I think I’ve made a horrible mistake.
Everybody knows Tuesdays are the second marriage of the week. Optimistic. Hopeful. Definitely not like Monday, that so-and-so.
You get to sleep all day, cat, that’s why I get the good food.
If you removed every blade from a 747’s engines and laid them end to end, you’d go to prison for rendering useless a $357 million aircraft.
This household only uses the finest of cat hair on its sandwiches.
me: I want to buy some drugs
dealer: are you a cop
me: would I get a discount
So it turns out that fat bearded man whose lap I was sitting on at the mall wasn’t Santa. LOL drugs.
If every human in the world jumps off a mountain we’ll probably eventually evolve to fly.
What I imagine when an American describes their healthcare system to me:
Jesus pulling Matthew mark luke and John to the Side and being like you guys are the big dogs
Me: how are you?
Toddler: shitty.
Me: I hear that.
Toddler: can you change me?
Me: I can try but happiness comes from within.
Wife: HIS DIAPER YOU IDIOT.
Be the reason your therapist reevaluates their entire career.
THE INVENTOR OF CRYING: what if I told you that there was something you could do at both weddings and funerals
had a talk with my manager where i told him it’s hard to do my job when i’m left off of emails/meetings and he said “well when you’re left out just let me know” and then i stared at him until he went “but if you were left out, you wouldn’t know….”
[1st date]
Him: Do you like magic?
Her: I LOVE MAGIC
Him: klatu barada nikto!
[Woman’s dead grandpa emerges from the ground]Her: *Screams*
Him: Oh, so you meant you like illusions.
Surprise your girlfriend at work by wearing a ski mask and taking everyone hostage
My 2022 Resolutions:
1. Don’t die
2. Race a sloth
3. Develop new trust issues
4. Offend more people by being myself
5. Don’t use hashtags
6. Keep tweeting crap like this
my house isn’t haunted i just have kids. shit goes missing at random. doors are left open. faucets left running. and don’t get me started on the screams.
PRIEST: does anyone object to this marriage
ME: (clearing throat)
BRIDE:
GROOM:
PRIEST:
ME: i accidentally swallowed a Lego just now
Hollywood led me to believe I would have to do way more heat/AC duct crawling than I’ve had to do.
*At funeral*
“Your Mom is so fat”
I said eulogy, not roast.
“oh right, I’m sorry. Your mom WAS so fat…”
Attention Walmart Shoppers –
There is someone dressed
Appropriately in
Aisle 12