My husband and I now have an app that tells us if the garage door is open or closed and this effectively gets rid of 90% of conversation during car rides.
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God: you’re very small.
Ant: ok.
God: but really strong.
Ant: how strong?
God: you can-
Ant: can I lift a piano?
God: well-no.
Ant: can I lift a car?
God: no.
Ant: can I lift a-
God: you can lift a leaf.
Ant: [visibly upset] but everyone can do that.
sergio leone: i’m going to name my next movie after you
the good: nice
the bad: cool
me: what’s it called?
8: I’m gonna marry someone who likes a different cereal than I do, so he won’t eat all my favorite cereal.
Me: Sounds pretty legit.
I carry pizza from the kitchen to the living room on purpose so my dogs are like my paparazzi
I never see my neighbors. Unless I’m walking through the kitchen pulling my bra through my sleeve, glance out the window, and then it’s all like heyyyy
I always say “goodbye” to the Wal-Mart greeter, just to close that loop.
Sea snails hide in their shells because they are self-conches.
My downstairs neighbor thinks I’m a little creepy and that I overstep my bounds. At least that’s what she wrote in her diary.
You know I’m all about that bass,
‘Bout that bass…
My husband ordered a hearing aid off of Amazon. I’m so screwed you guys.
Dinosaurs never could’ve survived til the present day. Could you imagine a stegosaurus in a Honda Civic? It’d be totally ridiculous in 2017.
my son thinks trying to crawl around me to play with electrical sockets is hilarious. almost as funny as yeeting himself off the side of the bed
My soulmate is probably someone else who doesn’t really talk to anyone either so that could be an issue
Me: I bought mini cinnamon rolls
Friend: how many?
Me: I don’t know how, but they’re tiny
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
This all goes a lot faster in the movies.
[Cop questioning suspected watermelon thief]
COP: *squints* Was it you?
GIRAFFE (who has watermelon-sized bulge halfway down his neck): Nope
The Mrs: Why haven’t you done laundry?
Me: I’m recycling the clothes
The Mrs: You already used that line
Me: I’m also recycling my excuses
“Are you sure you want to close 58 tabs?” no I’m not sure what if I need this tracking information for a package that was delivered last week
Why did they call it ‘Rambo: First Blood Part 2’ instead of ‘Rambo: Second Blood’? That’s some bullshit right there.
Why even name your cat, it’s not going to listen to you.
*peeing*
I should get outta bed now, I guess.
For Halloween I’m going as an emotional roller coaster.
My mom has a podcast but you can only hear it if you have the password to my voicemail
The 3 types of Christmas movies:
1. Movies about Santa.
2.People being changed by the Christmas spirit.
3. Die Hard
Interviewer: It says here on your resume you can make chicks laugh, how?
Me [holding a chick in my hand & tickling it]: I’m a miracle worker
Me too door. Me too.
Son (pointing): “Daddy what’s that?”
Me: “that’s a goat.”
Son: “Why?”
Me: …
“AUGHHGGUAUGGHGHGHGHGGGGH!!!!!!!!” – killer wail