Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
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If only I were rich enough to be the first corpse in an Agatha Christie novel
Bad comedy:
“Gonorrhea, but not forgottenorrhea. Am I right?”
*crickets*
“Jeez, y’all sure know how to avoid the clap. Am I right folks?”
Why are all of these OnlyFans accounts following me? I’m not going to pay for your nudes, I can look at myself naked in the mirror for free
*sees group of firemen standing around a campfire*
me: hEY leave that little guy alone
My Cinderella story is backward.
I started out a princess.
Got drunk and lost a shoe when I
met a handsome guy.Now I scrub the floors.
bae:come over
me:The Incredibles is on tv
bae:my parents aren’t home
me:it’s limited commercials
bae:i need u
me:he can’t find his supersuit
I’m really hungry, so I’m going to eat an apple and promote myself to starving.
[making a friend at work]
Brain: Make it weird
Me: *thinking* No stop it
Brain: Say something weird
Me: Get out of here, you
Coworker: What?
When I get new followers I lean in close and whisper to their avi:
“You’ve chosen wisely, Grasshopper.”
You can change your cat’s name every day. They don’t care.
I’m already getting anxious over Christmas due to my Santa Claustrophobia-the fear of being smothered in an elevator by a crowd of Santas.
I’m starting to think that this $49.95 “Landmarks of Europe Tour” might be bullshit.
Wait wait wait wait wait wait wait…
What if giving up is overrated?
“can i have your number?” bro i told you i got a bf like 530-294-2740 times
Whenever I go to Subway, when they ask if I would like my sandwich toasted, I say yes & then I raise my cup of Coke & say, “To my sandwich!”
Not sure if the bulb for my check engine light finally burned itself out or if my car magically fixed itself, but I’m going with the latter
I hate when you go to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume
I like staying home, cause soon as I step outside I spend $100
Art teacher: you were supposed to paint a tree
Rorschach: I did
-Your house is amazing. Why are u renting this cheap?
-It’s haunted by a low level demon
Demon: Wow I’m right here that is like so hurtful
PRIEST: In the beginning there was the word
ME: capsicum
P: no
M: tumescent gerund caliphate
P: stop trying to guess the word
M: maelstrom
ME: *Donates my body to science*
SCIENCE: Oooh, we… we don’t want that.
“If all your friends jumped”
‘Yes’
“But if they”
‘Yes’
“But”
‘IF I EVER GET FRIENDS I’M GOING TO DO WHATEVER THEY WANT ME TO, OK MOM?
My politics are simple: one day I will be eaten by a gigantic worm. And anyone who tries to stop that from happening is my enemy
Home is where the heart is, and hopefully it’s where all of the other vital organs reside too.
British people be like “gotta bring the car to the mechanic for a chune-up”
I can still remember the words my father said to me on my wedding night “let’s hope this ones not a whore like the last one!”
“Still upset about earlier?”
Yeah
“So you knocked over a few spaghetti boxes at the store. No big deal”
I WAS A WORLD JENGA CHAMPION, SALLY
I’ve been listening to the official workout station on Pandora for 3 months and I’m still fat, I’m calling bullshit.
“Then we are agreed: we shall have a duel to the death at sunrise. And if I oversleep you will start without me.”