The lights begin to flicker
The hair stands up on your neck
A chill comes over the roomMe to the ghost: STOP TOUCHING THE THERMOSTAT
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I’ve been listening to the official workout station on Pandora for 3 months and I’m still fat, I’m calling bullshit.
I’d be safe working at Boeing (I’m not blowing anything these days)
For fun, DM “can I be honest with you…” and then walk away for 2 hours.
My gf told me that I punched her in the face while I was sleeping last night. I apologized because I totally remember being awake for that.
I’m not saying there are microchips in the vaccines but my right arm just told me it will be updating tonight between midnight and 2 a.m.
Every so often my wife sends me these cute texts like “Heyyy” and “Come upstairs, your kids clogged their toilet”.
Happy weekend !
I’ve got a really bad feeling about this bathroom, you guys.
My wife bought me Costco underwear which I assume is the final line of defense against another woman wanting to have sex with me
I learned to play guitar so people would stop asking me to go camping.
CSI: North Pole
Detective: Based on the evidence I’d say it’s the reindeer killer.
Chief: Did you find hoof prints?
Detective: *takes off glasses* No. Slay bells.
a fun thing to do when someone enters the elevator is to calmly say to them “I was murdered in this very elevator exactly one year ago”
If you love someone, let them go.
If they don’t come back, get a dog.
[During sex]
*Knock on the door*
Woman: Shit! It’s my boyfriend
Man: Oh shit!!! *Pulls out and jumps down from the bed* What do we do?
Woman: Hide in the closet. Quick!
Man: Okay, smart. Let me just…wait…
Woman: What?
Man: Karen, I’m your husband!
Forgot I started my stopwatch. It’s now been 139:27.05 since I wondered how long it takes me to run five miles.
PRO SURVIVAL TIP: Don’t go through that door that mysteriously opened all by itself in that 300 year old hotel with a tragic past.
CarefulWhere’s your shoesPlease stop cryingMaybe eat somethingYou dropped the bottle- things you say to babies & drunks.
I think when calories reach a certain point snack companies should be allowed to say “You don’t want to know” on the nutrition label.
Drug commercial…Don’t take this medication if you are allergic to this medication.
Oh, ok. That’s super helpful, thank you.
Don’t you hate it when you forget proper terms for objects so you end up calling a “watering can” a “that waterthingie for thirsty plants, yanno it’s like a portable water holder”.
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Impossible.
Me: What? Why?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
Me: sorry, I can’t take strangers from candy
Giant gummy bear handing me a person: oh no
‘I know a black person’
– White people
Cake!!
People are always weirded out when I take notes during episodes of Dexter.
Everybody gangsta til they have diarrhea and a broken zipper
If I had to homeschool kids because of the pandemic, recess would be 6 hours long.
Squid Game, but it’s me giving my cat a bath.
Vegans with children named ‘Hunter’ are why I lie awake at night.
Smoke alarm batteries only die between 2 and 4 a.m.
I don’t make the rules.