I love my job at Amazon. At first I thought that wearing a catheter to work to avoid bathroom breaks was unreasonable, but after several sessions of deep hypnosis with the company therapist I’ve come to realize that the catheter is just a part of my body—a body of the future.
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telling all stories about twitter 2.0
#RIPTwitter #TwitterMigration #twitter2.0 #TwitterIsDead
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
I thought 2020 was just going to be a bunch of bad eyesight jokes but no it’s much worse
ME: I guess in a way I saved YOU.
PARAMEDICS: …
NASA: How’s it looking up there, guys?
ASTRONAUT: I’ve never seen anything so beautiful.
FROG: [lost in his spacesuit] I’m struggling tbh.
6:00am: I’ll go to the gym in 20 minutes
6:20am: I’ll go to the gym in 10 minutes
6:30am: I’ll go to the gym in 5 minutes
6:35am: I’ll go to the gym in 2 minutes
6:37am: What time does McDonald’s open
My wife keeps buying me chunkier and chunkier wheels for my bike, and I’m getting thicken tyred of it.
A city girl was bequeathed an inn, but it’s all run down and doesn’t have any water and the only person in town for the holidays is the ruggedly handsome guy who just lost his wife
Pizzas make terrible but delicious gym towels
Me: I don’t want to hear it, I want to feel it!
Also me: Not like that!
I bet the Sorting Hat ceremony is really fascinating at first and then he starts taking his sweet time on the eleventh kid and you realize there’s 200 more and you’re not allowed to look at your phone.
*uses blood from wounds to write my killer’s name on the floor*
I…will be…avenged. NO! BAD DOG! DON’T LICK THAT! DADDY NEEDS JUSTICE!
sorry not a big fan what other vegetables do you have on the cob
“We’re taking it to another level.”
-escalators
Edward Cullen: How long have you been 30?
Me: *long awkward pause* A while…
Told my son I went into labor on thanksgiving but he came on Black Friday and he asked me if I got a discount.
When you try to tell a story but start getting anxious and mess it up, that’s a panicdote.
8yo: Can you just say nothing?
3yo: Nothing
8yo: No, just say nothing
3yo: Nothing!
8yo: No, can you just be silent?
3yo:
3yo: NOTHING!
Me: Spends a trillion dollars on 100 activities during vacation.
“What was your favorite part of the trip?”
My toddler: “The hotel elevator!”
I know it’s International Women’s Day but I’d like to give a shout out to all the national and local women as well.
so ur trying to tell me a buffalo chicken made this dip
me: *after aceing my finals* that was easier than giving candy to a baby
them: don’t you mean taking candy from a baby
me: why would I take candy from a baby, you monster
Delightful if true: booby trap.
I honestly thought driving this DeLorean would get me lots of hot women but it’s completely backfired *slaps my mother’s hand away*
Never tell me to “make myself at home”…i’m just gonna eat all your cheese and then take a nap.
I do nostril kegels. Girls love strong nostrils.
I suspect the ancient Greeks would be horrified that we refer to ‘laying on a couch all weekend watching a TV series’ as a “marathon”…
Kids be like “I owe you $5, would you like it all in quarters?”
The five second rule doesn’t apply to babies. You can pick them up anytime after dropping.
Me: “Get me a newspaper.”Friend: “Don’t be silly. Here. Borrow my iPad.” Poor spider never knew what hit it.